Skin

I was 208 today.  I feel good in my skin.  I feel good about my accomplishment.  I lost 60 lbs.  That is awesome and my body is glad.  I feel like kid with a new toy and it's my body.  That feel wonderful.  I had a first today.  I bought some new pajamas in size large.  Really?  size large?  Yep.  It is true.  I came home from work today and folded several loads of laundry.  I am not tired.  I feel good.  Good in my skin.  Thank you.

Perspective

Isn't everything really about our perspective?   I read in Jennifers blog today that she is only down to 176.  She was slightly disappointed because she had hoped for more.  I get that, really I do.  For me, 176 is a dream come true.  I know she gets that and doesn't wish anyone for anything different.  What I am saying though, is when are we satisfied with our progress?  I hear almost daily how good I look and my repsonse is often, thanks, but I have so far to go.  And, I do have 48 lbs left to lose.  60 have been lost and it is great, but not enough.  I have a goal weight of 160 and I just can't wait to get there.  I dream about it everynight before I go to bed.  I try and visualize the success.  I do want to keep my focus and keep my eye on the prize.  Good health and a normal BMI are my focus.  I am more comfortable in my thinner skin, but can not allow complacency to creep its ugly head into this goal.  I don't know what Jennifers goal is and I hope she is almost there.  But, I do know she is on the right path for health.

On another note, I do have reason to celebrate.  I fit into a pair of size 14 dockers that I bought at Costco about 6 weeks ago.  I hoped that they fit then, but they I could not even button them.  Today, I slipped into them like butter.  That is success, isn't it?

Am I Comfortable with My Obsessive Compulsive Self?

208.6 exactly 60lbs lost!
Yesterday, my office mate asked me a question.  It was a good question, but it made me laugh in the beginning because I felt like a kid who had been exposed.  It all stemmed from her observations of my behaviour.  Mainly, the bodybugg, calorie counting, using an exercise ball as my chair (which apparently causes you to burn more calories than just sitting in a regular chair), blogging, talking about my weight constantly, having hand held weights in the office to use while talking on the phone,  and walking at lunch.  Whew!  Ok, so, what I have done here is surround myself with constant reminders of what my goal is.  She wanted to know how I felt about it.  My first question was if she was ok with all of this.  She is ok with it, but wonders if I am comfortable?  My answer is that I find this comforting by surrounding myself with this.  It is comfortable because I am obsessive compulsive.  I MUST do this or I will be fat.  That is part of the reason I was fat.  I am either on or off something and not being on watching my weight is what got me here now.  It is what I think about constantly and I am comfortable with it.  I don't want to become fat again.  I don't want to have 100 lbs to lose to reach a normal BMI.  I do enjoy my lighter body and am really relishing how comfortable that feels im my skin.  I don't know if I can continue to obsess forever and that worries me.  How will I find a happy medium?  How do any of us do that?  It seems to me that this isn't all that unordinary and that others do the same with sports or diet?  What do you think?

209.6 today and holding!

I wrote about accountability the other day and I am glad I did.  I came out of the closet about my obsession.  It felt scary and freeing at the same time.  SkinnyHollie wrote today about her own issues with hiding her food from herself and others.  She wouldn't track food on days she knows she didn't meet her own goals.  I understand this very well.  Eventually, we all need to come clean, but it is frightening.  I applaud Hollie.  She is brave.  I am brave.  We deserve to be healthy and we will.   Today she posted the good, bad and ugly eating she did.  It is a first step or second or whatever step it needs to be.  She is ok and so am I.  Biggest loser keeps waiting for those breakthroughs to happen with the contestants.  They are sometimes small, but meaningful.  I love this show and it gives me courage.  If a 345 lb guy can run a 5K, what am I whining about?  Wow.  Courage.  I love it.  Thanks to everyone out there rooting for me.  I appreciate it.

Confession Time

Today's lovely weigh in 209.4.  Happy about that I am.  But, I do have a confession to make.  I am so possessed by the loss of weight that I began doing some of my former high school days type of obsession by taking laxatives.  I have been doing this for approximately 2 months.  Why?  Because I am possessed by the need for a quick loss.  I began to doubt my ability to truly do this with my diet and forged ahead with what I know keeps the loss going and I mean literally.  I finally had to fess up and have stopped doing this as of last night.  I know it is not good for me to do this every day and I can see that I just trade one addiction for another.  Geez.  I don't like it about myself and it just makes me sad.  I have been lying to me.  I will stop this and go back to what has been working.  Diet and walking.  I will leave the obsession behind for now and go back to healthy attitudes.  No more laxatives, just eating the way I should.  I know what to do.  Sorry everyone for not being honest.  I have a long way to go both emotionally and weight.  Someday, I will get there for both of those areas.  I guess the only thing to do is confess and then release and let go.

Holding Steady?

Today's weigh in is 210 exactly.  Up a lb from last week and this after walking each day and aiming for those 10000 steps.  Yep, disappointed and frustrated.  I guess my body is just holding on to the weight and for the first time in 6 mo I started to doubt myself about the possibilities.  I will keep trudging along and hope for the best, but ouch.

Biggest Loser Revelations

I watched episode 12 last night from the BL.  I was struck by the revelation that Sunshine had about being immeshed with her father.  It seems part of the reason Sunshine got to the size she was when she joined the show, was indeed her relationship with her father.  They are close, so close that he just couldn't let her go to be her own person.  Inside that fat girl is a beautiful butterfly waiting to fly.  He adores his daughter and vice versa.  Nothing wrong with that, in fact really wonderful in many regards.  Problem is when we hold on too tight.  We prevent our children from being released to be who they were meant to be.    Sunshine's father didn't want his daughter to go away.  He was afraid his beautiful girl couldn't stand on her own.  Being fat kept them together and insulated from others.  Losing the weight on this show has given way to revelations for Sunshine.  She has gained confidence and can see that she can stand on her own.  She wants this for herself and quite beautifully, her father understands that his daughter must now make her own way.  I was awed by the love the two of these people share.  They are amazing people, but you know, not unlike so many of us.  What is it that keeps us from emerging as the beautiful butterfly we really are?  When will we break free from the ca coon of fat we are in?  Will we allow ourselves to love us that much?  It takes courage.  I am a work in progress.  I want to believe in myself the way Sunshine is starting to believe.

Accountability

Yesterday, I read about SkinnyHollie and her decision to quit dieting.  It really intrigues me about that concept.  I think that there is great truth to the idea that diets suck.  They don't work in the long run and I can do anything for awhile.  I guess that is where the idea of willpower comes in.  Problem is, once the diet is done? (really, is it ever done?) the weight comes back on.  But I think there is a distinct problem with the very idea of being done.  Are we really done?  or do we need to constantly monitor and make choices for our bodies to run on the best fuel available.  I think that is what Hollie is trying to get to and I do applaud her for that.  I responded to her blog that what strikes my is that perhaps there will be that lack of accountability that comes with a diet or a plan.  I know for myself that the problem I encountered with gaining the weight back before was a lack of accountability.  I didn't weigh myself for two years.  I just could not deal with the failure that I knew the scale would not lie about.  Truth is, I just hurt myself anyway.  I gained back all the weight I fought so hard to lose.  All the very times I chose to eat fuel and not make food the prize, just went to hell when I lost my accountability.  Yesterday, a friend in the office said she saw my other Medifast buddy going through the drive through at TacoBell.  Wow, her words were hard to hear.  It was like a junky was seen getting a fix after being in rehab.  Many people might think that was a horrible thing to say to my friend, but you know, it wasn't.  It was accountability staring at her hard and cold.  She said she was just getting a diet coke and I hope that was really the truth, I don't have a reason not to believe her.  I do know that those drive throughs are a source of temptation.  But then, hey, isn't everything.  I do think Hollie is on to something and I REALLY want to see her succeed at whatever path she chooses.  I hope that I can be a source of support to all of us on this road.  I will seek to do that in an honest and truthful manner and I welcome honest and truthful feedback from all of you.

I don't feel like posting today.

I don't feel like posting today because I just suck at this winner at a losing game thing.  Last week I was so ON it, but Sunday came and I just went hog wild with the food.  I was so stuffed that I hurt.  Seriously, hurt.  I drank and I ate my weigh to a three lb gain.  OK, you say, it is water.  Well, I don't care what it is, I just let myself sabotage again.  I need to lose to reach my goal of 210 and quickly.  I knew that going in yesterday, but I did it anyway.  Why?  I am back on today, but I think it was Jack Shit who said it best about not relosing each week what was gained on the week end.  Ugh. 

2nd Post Again Today

I just have to share the good news.  I was informed by my doctor that I am only 2 lbs from being on the list to have a breast reduction.  I am so excited and very motivated by that news.  Plus, no more GERD medicine and no more cholesterol.  My doc was pretty please with the 56 lb loss.  I have to say that this was a very good day for me.  I have large and pendulous breasts and a breast reduction is going to change my life so very much.  This is not a surgery for cosmetics, but for quality of life and under those circumstances, the insurance will pay for it.  This was the best news and again, really gives me a reason to keep going strong.  Yeah me!

212.6 Same as Yesterday

Friday weigh in number.  See above.  Feeling a bit low today.  Low energy and enthusiasm.  Maybe I wore myself out being so proud of myself yesterday?  Anyway,  I am getting lots of compliments on my weight loss.  People are really noticing.  When I started this journey, I was convinced that it wasn't for any attention.  I realize that it feels good to have people notice.  I am catholic and we were raised not to have such pride in our appearance.  I almost feel ashamed for being proud of the accomplishment.  I have so far yet to go, but it feels tangible at this moment.  Really, like I can do this this time.  Can I allow myself to feel good for very long?

2nd Post Today

I feel so good and so accomplished that it doesn't feel right at all.  I am wearing a pair of pants (size 14) which I wore after losing weight the first time with LA weight loss.  I have to say I felt frigging triumphant at getting these on to wear to work today.  Only problem is I feel too big for my britches.  No pun intended.  The pants fit great.  Is the problem that I feel I don't deserve to feel good?  Maybe.  I do know that finally reaching a place I never thought I would have the courage to get to again makes me happy and scared.  I just can't do this again.  Anyone else relate?

212.6 Seriously?

Yep, it is true.  I weighed myself 6 x to make sure the scale Gods were not playing a terrible trick on me.  That is four lbs this week since Monday.  One per day.  Hmm.  This won't last, but in spite of my lack of motivation last month, this is a good catch up.  Can't wait to meet and break the 210 mark.  Maybe this week end?
So, first impressions of BodyBugg.  Their web site is not user friendly.  It won't let you set a goal of losing more than 2.4 lbs a week.  Which if you know Medifast, it is possible to lose 5 lbs a week.  Testimony here  is please see above.  Anyway, the other issue I have is the nutrition goals.  They set a menu for you and don't want you to drop below their recommended calorie limits.  In fact, it won't let you do that.  So, we shall see how this plays out.  I am thus far leaning towards disappointment in my newest gadget.  Maybe I should have bought the Ipad instead?  I will keep you posted.

213.6

Whew.  Sigh.  Yippee.  Whoa.  Did I really lose three pounds in 2 days?  Yes, and again, a new low for me in three years.  I am so excited and it really is worth the efforts that I am making.  I feel good in my skin, well at least in my clothes.  I am proud of myself.  I can't wait to get home to see my BodyBugg.  It came today and this is my newest gadget.  You see, I am a techno loving girl.  Any gadget, any time.  Just booked my trip to New Orleans with my daughter in law and then my friend will join me in June.  I am super excited.  I am envisioning myself walking along the streets in NO with the sun beating down.  Guess what I am wearing in this vision?  It is a really cute pair of shorts and a tank top.  I am wearing sandals and feel a spring in my step.  You know why I have that spring?  It's because I will be 27 lbs lighter than I am today.  Ahh.  Can you see me there too?

214.6 Today

So, I am back where I started last week at the same weight.  Progress has been made.   I spoke with my friend today who is on the same program.  We talked about why we had quit working on loss and accepted our complacency the entire month of March.  We don't know the answer.  The only thing I can figure is we just were not ready to lose more.  Just not ready.   We are ready now and going to move forward.  I am so glad she is on the same path as this journey does seem easier together.  I am down my 54 with that much more to lose to reach a healthy BMI.  With the help of my BodyBugg I will move forward and down the scale.

216.4 Monday

Up two pounds today which is not surprising.  I barely managed to stay the course this week end.  I am continuing to gain and lose the same 3-4 lbs.  I feel strong and committed today and somewhat bouyed by the purchase of my body bugg.  You see, I am making an investement in myself.  I am worth it and so is my long term health.  I will eat on plan for the next two months and drop weight in preparation for my vacation.  I plan on 30 lbs and I know I can do it if I stay on program.  I will lose 30 lbs by June 13.  I will do this through determination and medifast!

Easter Morning

I have no idea what I weigh today.  It bothers me when I don't.  I almost feel lost.  I feel out of sorts without it.  Yesterday was an ok eating day.  Not 100% on plan, but didn't go too overboard either.  Still, I feel restless.  I have to wait until tomorrow to see how the scale God will shine upon me.  Today the plan is to be OP.   What strikes me funny today is that for 2 years I never weighed myself and the result was huge.  I was huge.  I didn't focus and I just accepted that I was huge.  It really wasn't until an old grade school friend made a comment on facebook that I stopped and allowed myself to consider my hugeness.  She said how I look just like my mother when we were kids.  Really?  Yep, I did.  That stopped me cold in my tracks.  It isn't that my mother was so bad or so unattractive.  It was her size.  The very thing I vowed never to get to.  And there it was, plain as day.  I looked like my mother.

Body Bugg

So, I made a decision today.  I bought a Body Bugg.  It comes in two days because I paid for the extra shipping.  You may wonder what the hurry is, but I need to keep momentum.  Last night, I indulged at a local Eugene restaurant, Ambrosia.  I ordered the halibut hoping for a more healthy choice.  I passed on the bread and oil.  It was served with a lovely garlic and lemon sauce with orzo.  I have to say that I ate it all.  It wasn't a huge serving, but still.  I am working on making a night out for lean and green to only eat a half portion.  I failed.  Also, had the caesar salad which was overloaded with parmesan and dressing.  To top that off, the Easter basket my friend Tom gave me was calling my name.  I ate the Reses bunny and candy corn and a few Jelly Beans.  OK!  I am done with Easter basket.  Anyway, back to the Body Bugg.  I am going to really focus this month.  Anyone else use this gadget?

April Challenge

So, I am reading about everyone's challenges for themselves this month and decided to do the same.  Last month, I only lost 5 of the 10 lbs that I had challenged myself to.  Boo.  Anyway, this month I need to be serious and lose 10 lbs and just do it.  I still have the goal in mind of 25 more lbs by June 14.  My son may be gone by then, but I will be on vacation with my daughter IL and want to really enjoy it.  By that, I mean, not be obsessed about my weight the entire time.  I probably will anyway, but at least I will try.  I want to wear a bathing suit to the beach and not look like a whale.  I want to wear shorts and tank tops and not have my legs rub together when I walk.  These are not bad goals, but I might me making these negative goals as I am thinking about this.  Maybe part of the healing that goes along with this weight loss is changing the tapes replaying negativity into a more positive?  So, how can I rephrase these goals?  I want to walk on the beach and feel comfortable in my skin!  I want to walk on the beach and feel satisfied with myself!  I guess I can do this.

Scale Gods

Well, the scale Gods did not smile upon me this morning as I was up 1lb.  I know it is water, but still.  I hate seeing any increase regardless of the reason.  Anyway, Easter is approaching and I don't see this as being a big temptation for me.  I am enjoying reading the posts of others and frankly, some of them are very moving.  I  have a friend I am worried about.  She is on the program too.  In fact, is a coach.  She seems to be losing steam and sliding back.  I worry that she doesn't think she is worthy of being thin.  She has become OK with where she is because she is 35 lbs thinner.  We started this program together and she and I had the same amount of weight to lose.  I am down 54 and she is only 35.  I don't know how to help her without pissing her off or alienating her either.  I care and don't know how to help!  Any ideas out there?