Saturday, March 7, 2015

8 Weeks Post Op

What a difference a few weeks makes!   Finally am feeling like I might have this thing down!   I am accepting my limitations and moving forward.   I am 50 lbs down in just a little over two months.   That feels really wonderful.    I have 70 more to goal.   It might seem odd that I am just accepting the limitations considering that I chose surgery.   I can only say that despite what we are told, nothing really prepares you for how hard it will be.   I threw up after eating too much too fast this week.   Again, chest pain all day and then some.   Changing 53 years of habit does not happen in 8 weeks.   I am excited for what is to come with continued loss, but this isn't for everybody!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

I heard myself say...

Yesterday, I saw an old friend who was asking me about the surgery.  I sort of like talking about it because it was really a big deal and I usually don't spend so much time on stuff like that.  Anyway, I was chattering on about the day of and after and then the weeks that have followed.  I started to hear myself say that I would not do this over again.  In fact, what I heard was a sentence that completely took me by surprise.  It went like this.  "If I had known that it was going to hurt to eat, I don't know that I would have done this."  And, I think it is true.  At this moment in time, and despite the weight loss, I don't know that I would do this again.  I have heard from everyone that has had the surgery that they wish they had done it sooner.  Really?  Hmmm.  Honestly, I have had a relatively easy time in comparison to others, but I feel different.  It is an odd think to know that your body has been altered.  I don't regret the reasons I did this, I think that they were honest.  But, I am tired a lot and eating is a friggin chore.  So, there, I said it.

I can safely assume that I will feel differently at some point, but this is how I feel now.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

More on after the surgery...

I woke from surgery feeling pretty tired.  In fact, had a hard time staying awake.  Everyone went home because all I wanted to do was sleep.  I remember the nurse asking me to stand during the night, which I did, and then went back to sleep.  The next day all I wanted was my catheter out.  They complied telling me that this means I have to get up.  No problem.  I want to be up.  I sat in the big recliner chair almost all day.  My friends stopped by to see me and we chatted.  It was great.  Adrenaline was flowing.  I felt good.  I walked 7 times that day and the next.  You could not keep me down.  Second day I wanted the morphine drip off.  I wasn't in pain.  I was uncomfortable, but not in pain.  My incisions never bled.  I was the poster child. I had to start drinking fluids by mouth.  Just a sip every 15.  No problem.  No issues.  No vomiting.  No nothing.  OK! I can do this.  I can go home now, and I did.

Day 3 and 4 sucked.  I was off my adrenaline high.  I was low.  I HATED the Boost shakes that were supposed to give me all my calories and sustenance.  I managed two a day of the four I was supposed to drink.  I could not do more.  My legs began to shake uncontrollably at times.  I was scared.  What have I done?

Day 5.  Still not passing of the gas and no bowel movement.  Oh no.  What is wrong.  Legs shake more and am waking up with my whole body shaking.  I am scared.  What did I do?  I changed what was a pretty good life for one of fear?  Ugg.  I insist that my husband take me to the hospital.  They check me out and up and down.  Nothing really wrong with me.  I am having a major panic attack.  Bariatric RN tells me I need to walk more and power through.  Ok, great.  I have no power.  It is gone.  Now am told I have thrush.  Liquid meds for thrush taste like plastic.  I can't do it.  I brush my tongue harder than I ever have in my life.  All the white from the shakes comes off.  OK, I don't have thrush.

Day 6.  I can't lay on my back anymore.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat and I can't even see a light at the end of this tunnel.  I have my husband give me an enema.  I have slight relief, but not much.  Later in bed, I decide to turn on my side.  I have not done this before, because I couldn't.  I hear what is a slight pop sound.  I fart!  Hallelujah.  I farted.  Then cam the first bowel movement.  OK.  I am ok.  I can do this.

Day 7.  I can't drink anymore shakes.  I decide to have food and make it as liquid as possible.  My husband makes me mashed potatoes very watered down.  OMG.  That was the best taste ever.  I try refried beans.  No problem.  Yogurt.  No problem.  Everything tastes so good.  It is in small portions, but right now, it is ok.

Week 2.  It went well.  I continue eating the moist foods and soups.  I can manage.  I can do this.  Weeks 3 and 4 are good.  No problems.  I can't wait to get back to work.  I am bored.  I have not lost weight in two weeks.  How the hell does that happen?

Week 5.  I am back at work.  They are excited to see me and say they can see the changes.  I can too.  I have to buy smaller clothes, but just a few.  Supposedly, I will drop weight like crazy.  Ok.  I am waiting.  Sadly, I run into my first food issue.  I am reading email at work and fall into the old habit of not thinking about what I am eating.  I swallow that chicken and in that moment, everything changes in regards to eating.  It hurts to eat now.

Week 6.  Last night we go out for Thai.  I order green beans stir fried with pork.  I am at the 6 week mark, I can eat fresh vegetables, right?  Wrong.  I take one small bite of bean and pork and I am done.  I am in pain.  I can't eat any more and frankly my insides are squeezing like crazy.  I don't throw up, but I want to.  We leave and on the drive home I cough up this frothy crap.  Yep, I have reached a new low.  Pain and froth.  What have I done?

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Six Weeks Post Op

Six weeks will have passed on Thursday since surgery.  In total, I have lost an amazing 43 lbs. Twenty five since surgery might seem like a low number, but when I think about it in terms of the loss before surgery day, it makes sense.

So, how do I feel?  Low energy seems to plague me most of the time.  I know it is due to the lack of calories.  My meals consist of 1/4 cup at a time.  Any more than that, and I am in pain.  I have only brought food up once and it was brutal.  I returned back to work and did not pay attention to how big a bite and swallowed a piece of chicken as big as my thumb nail.  Tears streamed down my face as I waited to have this expelled.  The pain was some of the worst I have experienced.  Since then, it hurts to eat.  So, pretty bummed about that.

Everything is hard.  Eating, bathroom activities, and exercise, are all hard.

Am I sorry that I did the surgery?  I can't say that.  I am not sorry that I no longer have GERD, am no longer prediabetic, or have sleep apnea.  I am not sorry that I am on my way towards a healthier lifestyle and body.  But, this isn't easy and it isn't for the faint of heart.

Would I do this again?  I don't know.  I need to give this more time.  

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

It's Go Time!

So, tomorrow is surgery day.  I have done everything I can do to prepare for this day.  The last two weeks have been very difficult in terms of the liquid diet.  Smelling food has been a big challenge and honestly, I have spent much of the time being very hungry.  I did not deviate one time and for that, I am pretty proud of myself.  I did it!

At this point, I am not scared.  I am excited and looking forward to ending this part of the journey and to starting the next part.  The part where I lose this excess weight and start to move around freely. The part where I don't need a CPAP machine, the part where I don't have GERD, the part where I don't have high blood pressure, and lastly, the part where I am no longer considered MORBIDLY OBESE!

Earlier this week, I did have some jitters.  I have a friend who is about a year out from her surgery and who has made tremendous progress getting fit and healthy.  I needed to hear the reality check that I knew only she would know.  For that, I am eternally grateful!  She said everything I needed to hear.
I have been checked out by the doctors.  I have done everything asked.  I am good to go.

Just got my check in time for tomorrow.  It is 1230 and surgery at 3pm.  Yay!

Here we gooooo......

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Day 5 Liquid Diet Observations

It is a funny thing when you are not eating.  Your senses seem to come alive.  My sense of smell is so over the top right now.  I can smell everything to an extreme.  If fact, so much so that it bothers me.  I also am a bit emotional right now.  The smallest thing can bring me to tears.  Not at work, I don't do that, but at home watching TV about Wounded Warriors in a commercial.  I guess it doesn't help that my son is a Marine, but really?  Commercial crying?

Anyway, now on to hunger.  Not really all that hungry today.  In fact, not.  However, the last three days were murderous!  I could barely get through the day.  On the third day, Sunday, I though I was going to completely crumble.  I felt weak, irritable, and downright tired of the whole process.  But, I survived!   Weekends are really hard.  I am so used to waking up to my kid asking if we can go out to eat.  We didn't have this activity and it was down right hard!  We did do errands, but it wasn't the same.  I really missed doing our normal activities.  I had to ask myself if I missed it more than getting into good health.  No.  I didn't miss it that much.

So the third thing is drinking in general.  No coffee and no alcohol.  Neither of these have been deal breakers for me.  I am a little surprised at that.  I guess I figure that this is something I will have in the future.

Today is the final meeting with the surgeon before surgery on the 8th of January.  Hopefully, he will be satisfied with the five pounds I have lost.  I will let you all know.  Constipation is an issue with only drinking protein shakes for meals.  Hopefully the blasters I took this morning will do their business by this afternoon and, well, you know!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Surgery Date and What I Know for Sure

January 8th is the day my life will change forever.

 Frankly, I am excited and terrified at the same time.  I don't take this change lightly.

I have doubts about doing this until I look into the mirror.  It isn't all about how I look.  It is also about how I feel physically and emotionally.  I am very open to sharing that this is the choice I have made, but for other's who have this surgery, it is a private matter.  I am alright sharing because I don't care if others see this as the easy way or cop out.  I know for a fact that this has already not been easy.  It has been a very long year of contemplation and preparation.  What I know for sure is that I hate being fat.  I hate the idea of worrying if the seat belt will fit in an airplane or if my behind will fit in the seat.  I hate the fact that I can't shop in the same store as my friend and that the best I can hope for with clothes is that they don't accentuate how fat I really am and at the same time don't fit like a mu mu.  I hate that I have obstructive sleep apnea.  I hate that I have high blood pressure, and asthma, and esophageal re flux.  I hate that my Marine Drill Instructor son thinks that I should just eat less and work out more.  I hate that I am depressed and tired and just feel like laying around.  I hate that regardless of how hard I try, nothing seems to change this on any lasting level.

What I know for that this will change my life.  It will change my body permanently.  It will change my relationships with food and drink.  It will change my medical issues.  It will allow me to have a quality of life that I don't currently participate in.  It will allow me to feel good in my skin, even if that skin is sagging.  It will allow me to enjoy moving my body again.  It will mitigate my medical issues and that is huge.  It will give me power that I feel has been drained from my life one pound at a time.  I am looking forward to that.  Very forward and consider the trade off worth it.