199.6 Day After Biggest Loser Finale

Surprisingly, I managed to maintain the 199 weight with an additional loss of .2.  I feel pretty darn excited about that.  I am finally free of the 200's.  I really hope that it is forever this time.  That doesn't mean I have no faith in myself.  It only means I know never to say never again. 
Anyway, did anyone have a chance to see the BL finale?  I watched and was not surprised by the winner.  It was either Michael or Ash.  Everyone really looked good and I was very impressed with everyone's progress.  Even the people who worked their plan at home looked really good.  Koli seemed done in by the whole process when he said he just wanted to go home.  Michael looked really happy.  Ashley seemed sort of amazed by the whole process.  She did so well and was beautiful in her dress.  Sunshine, who was my favorite, was beautiful.  He dad Oneil, looked healthy and happy.  The only thing that really stuck out to me was how much this group supported each other.  They seemed in many regards like family.  This was a fun season to watch and to cheer them on.  I can't wait for next season 10. 

199.8 If I Don't Move

Well, friends, it finally happened.  I got below 200.  It still counts as below even if only 2/10ths below.  I got it and I am keeping it.  Two more pounds and I can ask the doc for the referral for the breast reduction.  I am feeling so good right now.  Accomplished.  Good.  Any yes, the scale dictates to me.  Whatever.

Women Food and God

 I am reading this book tittled, Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth.  A friend gave it to me as she found the book very enlightening.  I like the book and the premise is that overeating has to do with filling hole in our spirituality.  In essence, overeating because we feel____ (fill in the blank).  She wants us to think about mindfulness and claims that she has lost and gained back over a thousand pounds in her lifetime.  She won't ever diet again and believes that we can and should eat what we want and if mindful about this, we will stop when full.  Thus, no weight issues.  Hmmm.  It is an interesting idea.  Maybe even one that works.  I do find the writing hard to follow as the auther doesn't stay on one topic for long.  The book is an easy read in that it goes pretty quickly.  The concept is interesting to say the least.  On another note, my weight is stuck at 200.4 for the last several days and each day I get up with hopeful anticipation.  Not today.  Not yesterday nor the day before did I break through that 200 lb barrier.  It is close.  Yesterday was my 49th birthday.   I gave myself a somewhat free day of eating, but didn't go overboard.  It was a nice day and I felt relaxed.

Day After Biggest Loser

So this week was a great show as always.  Koli tried too hard and Daris didn't try hard enough.  The two people least likely to make it are in the top two positions, Michael and Ashley.  Go figure.  Daris did great with his run, but could not control himself while he was home.  Sound like anyone else out there?  Way too familiar.  Or in my case, I have been like Koli with my eye so on the prize that I didn't stop to think about the consequences of my lack of eating.  Koli worked out like a son of a gun and only lost a few pounds the entire month.  Daris gained two pounds despite his runs.  I will vote for Daris to win as I feel sorry for him.  I know how hard it is to lose a ton of weight and then find yourself out of control.  I can also relate to Koli focusing so hard on the goal that he loses sight of the here and now.  But, Koli has not been a team player the way Daris has.  I see Daris supporting the others.  Koli has been all about Sam or himself.  I love to see the way the people are so supportive of each other.  This groupd is really unique that way.  They seem to really care about each other and the journey that they are on.  Again, that is why we are in this blog world, isn't it?  I love the support we all have for each other.  It is important.

201.6 Another Low and Another Come Clean Time

Well, here is another new low that I am so glad to see.  But, I have yet, another confession.  The past two weeks I have only been eating 600-700 calories a day.  You know what?  It didn't work.  I didn't lose like I wanted.  My body just would not budge.  I worked out.  I cut those calories and deviated from the program.  I am so compulsive that I thought I could cut even more and drop weight faster.  You see, I have all the components of an eating disorder.  I could easily stop eating entirely.  But I don't and I won't.  I had another a ha moment when the scale would not budge.  My best buddy also called me on my shit.  She saw it and called it.  And, she was right.  I have since gone back to 900-1000 calories a day.  And down the scale goes.  Hmmm.  Don't try this at home folks.  It won't work.  You have to fuel your body to lose weight.  The proof is in the pudding.  Sometimes, I just wonder about me.

What does success look like?

Here is my weight loss progression from the beginning of this journey.  As you can see I have no huge drops at any one time.  It is just slow progression on a day by day basis.  This is what it is supposed to be, yet I am still not happy.  I have 40 more to go.  My actual start weight was 168, but for some odd reason I recorded 167 like that was a better number.  Oh, the mind games I go through.  Anyway, today's weight is 202.  I can really taste onederland now.  It just can't come fast enough.  I posted this chart because I need to see it like this.  I need to see that I have made progress.  I have made progress and it is successful.  No doubt about it.  

I Can See Clearly Now 202.4

I had a funny thing happen to me this morning.  I looked into the mirror and was surprised at what I saw.  I saw a former me.  A younger me.  A prettier me than I have in years.  My skin is clear, my eyes vibrant, my jawbone is there.  I can see it.  I haven't seen me for a long time and I welcomed her back.  I was moved by who I saw and I said to myself, this is good.  You look good.  Welcome back.  I got tears in my eyes.  I thought you deserve this.  You really do.  It is ok to be happy about this.  I wanted to give permission to feel good about me and I did.
What I don't understand is why others can't see what a struggle this is for me.  This is my life and if I don't become healthy, I could die.  I don't want to go out for a drink right now.  I don't want to sabotage this new girl I see.  Drinks are not necessary at this moment.  Health is necessary.  Every pound I lose gets me closer to that goal.  Drinking and eating what I want doesn't. 

Shiritaki Noodles

Wow.  I love these "noodles" because they have no calories, no fat, no carbs, no nothing.  It is awesome.  Tonight I made this dish I made up in my mind.

1 can tomato no salt 16oz diced
1 Yellow bell pepper sliced
1/2 yellow onion chopped
2 cloves garlic chopped
2 tsp low salt soy
1 tsp olive oil
2 tbs balsamic vinegar
2 tbs basil dried
2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/4 cup red wine
1 package Shiritaki noodles

Saute onion, garlic, bell pepper till soft in olive oil
add soy, vinegar, and wine
add basil and red pepper flakes
cook 3-5 minutes
add rinsed and drained noodles
stir
cook 2 minutes

add parmesan cheese when served


Enjoy.  This is delicious.  My son loved it and he grew up eating regular noodles.  Although he can tell the difference in noodles, he thought this dish was delicious.  I highly recommend trying these noodles.

Let me know what you think.  I got mine at Whole Foods.  They were $1.79 and called tofu shiritaki.  I also ordered some online that are the no cal, fat, carb.  This brand does have 20 cal, 1 gram protein, 3 carb.

Inspiration

Biggest Loser was awesome last night.  I was sad to see Sunshine leave without being in the final four.  What was really inspirational, though, was the retrospective on each of the five final players.  Each one was recorded when they first came on the show.  They were asked to tell the thin person they would become why they needed to keep going and what it feels like to be so fat.  It was awesome.  Each one of them was moved to tears by the progress they had made.  Most had lost over a hundred pounds in 17 weeks.  They did this with all day exercise and frigging hard work.  The point is that they were reminded where they came from and the need to move forward and not backslide.  The show also had two former winners.  One kept her weight off and the male put all his back on.  Wow.  The courage it must have taken to come on the show and allow everyone to see his struggle with putting weight back on.  I admire that man.  Not for gaining weight, but for courage.  He is in the process of relosing this weight.  He is over 300 lbs.  Daunting.  I can't imagine what he struggles with.  The point of the whole show was that they all need to stay focused.  The advice was to not give yourself a pass when the weight begins to creep back on.  Wow.  I can relate to that having done what he did.  But, so what.  That is the past.  Right?  Truth is, we all worry about it.  The final four should be interesting to watch.  I am not for Koli.  He was too full of himself and cocky.  I want Ashley to win or Michael.  They still have concern for their fellow contestants.  That kind of attitude works for me.  Isn't that why we all comment on each other's blogs?  We all care about these struggles and really want each other to succeed.  I know that is why I am here.  I appreciate all of you and the common support we offer.  Thanks, gals and guys.  I can't do it without you!

What is a day worth?

Each day, I wake up to the same feeling.  I wonder if any more weight has been moved off my body.  I can't wait for one day to end, so that the start of another means I am that much closer to my goal.  Really, it is mostly what I think about.  I am motivated beyond belief.  I realize that this may not stay with me and for that, I am afraid.  What if this is all just a terrible dream.  I really haven't lost 66 lbs.  I really am that really fat girl in the picture.  Am I destined to become her again?  Somehow, I have to hold onto this feeling.  I watched some reruns of the biggest loser this week end.  (yes, I am obsessive).  Bob and Jillian keep pushing for that breakthrough for each contestant as to why they are fat.  Obviously, this can't be an easy question, or we would all be thin.  Right?  I don't know.  What I do know is I just can't be that fat girl again and by no means am I done here.  I have 43 left to lose.  I can get there.  I will get there.  I have to.  I can't wait to see BL tonight.  I am rooting for everyone to make their goal and I don't care a bit who wins the money.  They will all be winners if they achieve good health.

Photos

Judgements

We all make them.  We decide who people are and what they think just by looking.  How about fat people?  What are they about?  Are they all lazy, out of control people?   I don't think it can be answered that simply.  I don't have the answer why so many people are so fat, but when I look around, I see fat people.  They are everywhere.  I know the pain they feel when people make judgements about who they are.  They may not say it, but the look of disgust is there.  Shaking of heads, or a brazen comment can send someone reeling.  I have compassion for how hard losing weight is.  I have compassion for how people get fat and can't see that they can get out of it.  It is a long road.  It takes work.  Everyday, it is among the choices.  Will I have salad or fries?  How about baked potato or broccoli?  Will I have the fried fish or the baked cod?  How about pancakes?  How about it?  I caught myself feeling superior today because I no longer look fat and I have lost 64 lbs.  I am still heavy, and have 46 more to lose to reach a healthy BMI.  I checked myself after the thought because this isn't easy.  It's hard and it sucks to be fat.  It sucks to be fat and to be judged for it. I am not cured.  I am thinner, but I am not above gaining the weight back.  I have done that before.  It sucks even more the second time.   I won't judge someone by their size again.  I have walked in their shoes.

Alone

Lat night I dreamt about being alone.  All alone.  My closest friend was choosing to move away.  Where would I be?  Alone.  The biggest loser week 14 is down to the final 8.  Ashley feels alone without Drea as she went home last week.  Ashley feels she just can't do this alone.  But, she can.  In fact, she may be stronger than she thinks.  I wonder though, am I as strong as I need to be?  Can I stand on my own and do the work that remains to be done?  Yes, the hard work is done alone.  It is those choices we make all day and everyday.  Will I choose to eat this, drink that.  The moment by moment choices are, at times, excruciating.  But, I can, we can, do this.  Because we really are not alone.  We have each other as support.  That is why we blog, isn't it?  We are in this together.