Skin

I was 208 today.  I feel good in my skin.  I feel good about my accomplishment.  I lost 60 lbs.  That is awesome and my body is glad.  I feel like kid with a new toy and it's my body.  That feel wonderful.  I had a first today.  I bought some new pajamas in size large.  Really?  size large?  Yep.  It is true.  I came home from work today and folded several loads of laundry.  I am not tired.  I feel good.  Good in my skin.  Thank you.

Perspective

Isn't everything really about our perspective?   I read in Jennifers blog today that she is only down to 176.  She was slightly disappointed because she had hoped for more.  I get that, really I do.  For me, 176 is a dream come true.  I know she gets that and doesn't wish anyone for anything different.  What I am saying though, is when are we satisfied with our progress?  I hear almost daily how good I look and my repsonse is often, thanks, but I have so far to go.  And, I do have 48 lbs left to lose.  60 have been lost and it is great, but not enough.  I have a goal weight of 160 and I just can't wait to get there.  I dream about it everynight before I go to bed.  I try and visualize the success.  I do want to keep my focus and keep my eye on the prize.  Good health and a normal BMI are my focus.  I am more comfortable in my thinner skin, but can not allow complacency to creep its ugly head into this goal.  I don't know what Jennifers goal is and I hope she is almost there.  But, I do know she is on the right path for health.

On another note, I do have reason to celebrate.  I fit into a pair of size 14 dockers that I bought at Costco about 6 weeks ago.  I hoped that they fit then, but they I could not even button them.  Today, I slipped into them like butter.  That is success, isn't it?

Am I Comfortable with My Obsessive Compulsive Self?

208.6 exactly 60lbs lost!
Yesterday, my office mate asked me a question.  It was a good question, but it made me laugh in the beginning because I felt like a kid who had been exposed.  It all stemmed from her observations of my behaviour.  Mainly, the bodybugg, calorie counting, using an exercise ball as my chair (which apparently causes you to burn more calories than just sitting in a regular chair), blogging, talking about my weight constantly, having hand held weights in the office to use while talking on the phone,  and walking at lunch.  Whew!  Ok, so, what I have done here is surround myself with constant reminders of what my goal is.  She wanted to know how I felt about it.  My first question was if she was ok with all of this.  She is ok with it, but wonders if I am comfortable?  My answer is that I find this comforting by surrounding myself with this.  It is comfortable because I am obsessive compulsive.  I MUST do this or I will be fat.  That is part of the reason I was fat.  I am either on or off something and not being on watching my weight is what got me here now.  It is what I think about constantly and I am comfortable with it.  I don't want to become fat again.  I don't want to have 100 lbs to lose to reach a normal BMI.  I do enjoy my lighter body and am really relishing how comfortable that feels im my skin.  I don't know if I can continue to obsess forever and that worries me.  How will I find a happy medium?  How do any of us do that?  It seems to me that this isn't all that unordinary and that others do the same with sports or diet?  What do you think?

209.6 today and holding!

I wrote about accountability the other day and I am glad I did.  I came out of the closet about my obsession.  It felt scary and freeing at the same time.  SkinnyHollie wrote today about her own issues with hiding her food from herself and others.  She wouldn't track food on days she knows she didn't meet her own goals.  I understand this very well.  Eventually, we all need to come clean, but it is frightening.  I applaud Hollie.  She is brave.  I am brave.  We deserve to be healthy and we will.   Today she posted the good, bad and ugly eating she did.  It is a first step or second or whatever step it needs to be.  She is ok and so am I.  Biggest loser keeps waiting for those breakthroughs to happen with the contestants.  They are sometimes small, but meaningful.  I love this show and it gives me courage.  If a 345 lb guy can run a 5K, what am I whining about?  Wow.  Courage.  I love it.  Thanks to everyone out there rooting for me.  I appreciate it.

Confession Time

Today's lovely weigh in 209.4.  Happy about that I am.  But, I do have a confession to make.  I am so possessed by the loss of weight that I began doing some of my former high school days type of obsession by taking laxatives.  I have been doing this for approximately 2 months.  Why?  Because I am possessed by the need for a quick loss.  I began to doubt my ability to truly do this with my diet and forged ahead with what I know keeps the loss going and I mean literally.  I finally had to fess up and have stopped doing this as of last night.  I know it is not good for me to do this every day and I can see that I just trade one addiction for another.  Geez.  I don't like it about myself and it just makes me sad.  I have been lying to me.  I will stop this and go back to what has been working.  Diet and walking.  I will leave the obsession behind for now and go back to healthy attitudes.  No more laxatives, just eating the way I should.  I know what to do.  Sorry everyone for not being honest.  I have a long way to go both emotionally and weight.  Someday, I will get there for both of those areas.  I guess the only thing to do is confess and then release and let go.

Holding Steady?

Today's weigh in is 210 exactly.  Up a lb from last week and this after walking each day and aiming for those 10000 steps.  Yep, disappointed and frustrated.  I guess my body is just holding on to the weight and for the first time in 6 mo I started to doubt myself about the possibilities.  I will keep trudging along and hope for the best, but ouch.

Biggest Loser Revelations

I watched episode 12 last night from the BL.  I was struck by the revelation that Sunshine had about being immeshed with her father.  It seems part of the reason Sunshine got to the size she was when she joined the show, was indeed her relationship with her father.  They are close, so close that he just couldn't let her go to be her own person.  Inside that fat girl is a beautiful butterfly waiting to fly.  He adores his daughter and vice versa.  Nothing wrong with that, in fact really wonderful in many regards.  Problem is when we hold on too tight.  We prevent our children from being released to be who they were meant to be.    Sunshine's father didn't want his daughter to go away.  He was afraid his beautiful girl couldn't stand on her own.  Being fat kept them together and insulated from others.  Losing the weight on this show has given way to revelations for Sunshine.  She has gained confidence and can see that she can stand on her own.  She wants this for herself and quite beautifully, her father understands that his daughter must now make her own way.  I was awed by the love the two of these people share.  They are amazing people, but you know, not unlike so many of us.  What is it that keeps us from emerging as the beautiful butterfly we really are?  When will we break free from the ca coon of fat we are in?  Will we allow ourselves to love us that much?  It takes courage.  I am a work in progress.  I want to believe in myself the way Sunshine is starting to believe.