Memories

I spent the last 5 days with my sisters in attending and helping with her wedding.  It was supposed to be new memories and fun.  It was supposed to be a new life for the 3 of us sisters and a new way of relating.  Instead it was misery and just plain hell.  We picked at each other until we bled tears.  Not tears of joy, but of sorrow.  Instead of leaving feeling happy for me sister, I don't want to see her for a very long time.  I have not gone into where or how I came from, but this week I realized that my past has affected me in a great big way.  I will, for the purposes of this post, just relate to the food issues as children.

By Sunday evening, we had enough picking and started talking to each other about our childhood.  We were hungry.  We were not hungry because we didn't have money, in fact we went to private schools, had built in pools, big cars and ski boats.  We were the richest kids in our school.  We had the biggest house and to most, we were lucky to have those things.  But really, we were all three suffering.  We were called hogs and pigs for eating.  We were locked out of the house with only cheese to eat during the summer months, and yes, always hungry.  We thought we were fat because we were told that.  We were skin and bones for the most part.  One sister, was taken by her grandmother to eat each week, so she weighed about 20 more pounds than my other sister and I.  We never really figured why until this week.  Now we know why we can't stand each other.  It hurts.  We don't love each other because we don't know how.

I can't really tell you how much it hurts to leave today and think, I am never coming back.  I know, in the end, I will because that is who I am.  I am the oldest and I took care of them the best I could.  Our parents left the parenting to me.

 Don't really know why we were not allowed to eat.  My sisters reminded me about how I took a sneak drink from a gallon of milk and was caught by my father.  Big mistake.  I was made to sit and drink the entire gallon all the while being called fat ass and pig and glutton.  Wow.  I had forgotten it, but really my need to soothe myself had not forgotten.  It is any wonder why I have food issues?  I don't think so.

I apologize to anyone reading this in the sense that I am not desperate and don't mean to give that impression.  I really have a great life full of love and pleasure and lovely grown children.  This week taught me something about myself that I didn't realize before.  I still have a lot of healing to do where my family of origin is at stake.  I still have healing to do with my self image.  I am not a fat pig or glutton or worthless.  I know that.  My vow to myself is to continue on this journey towards health both physically and mentally.  No one can do that work for me and I know that.

Anyone experience this kind of childhood who has food issues now?  I bet I am not alone and neither are you.  We have a sense of community here.  I challenge you to do the hard work of self examination.  I know I will be.  More to follow.