214.4 Going Down

I should feel accomplished, but I don't.  I feel like I let myself down-again.  More wine last night and I had promised myself I would not do this til Friday night.  I still lost about .4 lbs, but still.  Who am I kidding?  Anyway, I am having a hard time concentrating.  I am thinking of all the others out there who are "working at weight loss."  We are all struggling with keeping on program.  But, why does it need to be a program.  Why can't I just eat normal portions and maintain my weight.  It all looks so easy as I walk by others at work who are normal weight and eating real food.  I just want this stage of my life to be done for good this time, but I doubt my troubles are over. 

MONDAY New Number

214.6 today.  Lowest in 3 years and all that separates me from onederland is 14 lbs.  That and will power I should say.  I have a short term goal of losing this 14 lbs before June.  You see, June is when my son leaves on deployment.  I really want him to be proud of me and not embarrassed by the big momma he had last year at his wedding.  I had to meet my future DIL at the wedding and her family.  She is gorgeous and petite as well as her mother and sister.  I show up as a size 26 in a black dress that I now find amazingly big.  I told myself I looked ok and really, I did.  But, I was fat and embarrassed by my size.  I made the best of it, but I really hated the way I looked and felt.  I only started losing in November so when the kids came home for Christmas, I had only lost about 25 lbs.  It was only a start.  When I see my son the next time, I want him to say, wow mom, you look great.  He wont be home for next Christmas, but when he does return I want to be 160 or lower.  A healthy BMI would be the goal.  Can I do this?

Sunday Morning

I am sipping my coffee and reading posts from other women trying to be winners at the losing game.  I say trying, because it is trying.  Last week for me was especially trying.  I slipped back into my old ways.  Stayed on plan during the day, but by evening, drinking wine with my friends.  You see, this is what we do to cope with the work day.  It makes all the difference by night.  By day, not so much.  I feel like shit when I do this and it doesn't seem to matter if I drink one or 3 glasses.   Why do I continue when I want to lose weight?  Don't we all struggle with that?  Lyn Escapes wrote an excellent blog this week about asking herself why she wants to be fat.  Her answers were much the same as mine.  Protection, fear, not feeling worthy of thin etc.  I could go on and on.  We all know the answer in some fashion.  The real question for me is, "when will I allow myself to have the health I need and deserve?"  This week I have vowed to stop this harmful wine drinking and commit myself again to the program.  Medifast has been the answer for me. It is easy and it is fast.  53 pounds in 5 months is wonderful, but I am not done.  I have about 50 more to go.  I can't settle for good or for good enough.  Or can I?

Emptyness

I feel empty today.  Just empty.  216.4 which isn't bad considering I drank 2 glasses of wine yesterday.  I lost out on the opportunity to lose and get to the ketosis state for a frigging glass of wine with friends.  I wanted more wine than that, but it wasn't available.  Why can't I just say no.  I can do this so easily with food at this point.  Yet, wine, and I am sunk.

March 9, 2010

218 is the number today. Love it, but need to leave it behind too. I have 58 more to go and can start to taste just how good skinny feels. It is a great program and I am happy with it.

Weight 216.4

Drank more wine last night and for some odd reason, still managed to lose a pound.  Go figure.  I put on my favorite pea coat.  It's the one my husband bought me 5 years ago that I couldn't wear for the past few years because my ass was so big.  Now, it fits me perfectly.  I feel as though I am sabataging myself with the wine.  I keep pushing the envelope here.  It feels so good to have this weight lifted from my body, but it almost feels naked.  Does that make any sense?

Bethany

I didn't know Bethany, but I know her story.  She passed from a heart attack, leaving behind her two children and husband.  She left more than that, though.  She left testimony to the legacy of overweight people and their fight for good health.  It isn't just about losing weight, its about fighting for your life.  I share Bethany's struggle.  She lost and obesity won.  How sad is that?  I don't want that to be my story.  What about your story?  Funny thing, we could really justify ourselves on this.  She wasn't that terribly over the morbid obesity line?  303?  What about the biggest losers at over 500?  Seems that Bethany was working really hard to make that change and ran out of time.  I know I can't be that person who runs out of time.  What a great loss in so many ways.

When Will I Learn

So, here I go again with the, "when will I learn" crap.  But seriously, when?  Last evening met two friends for dinner.  Was happy (well, not really) drinking tea and then came the urge to have a glass of wine.  Maybe only one glass, right?  I know me better than that, yet I ordered one glass and drank this slowly.  It tasted good, so I had another.  Dinner was over and I drove home.  On the way home, I thought, "what the hell, I might as well have some more cuz I have already blown it."  So, I did.  Today's weight -217.2.  Ok, so I did lose back what I had gained, but still.  What the hell?

Holding Back the Tears

Weight today 219.  Sucks, but down -2 from yesterday.  The weekend was full of gastronimical delight and plenty of wine.  Went to Eugene for the weekend and we ate out two nights in a row.  Beppe and Gianis and Soriah.  Both were exceptional.  At Beppe's I had pork shoulder in a tomato sauce with risotto.  I left half of the dinner behind in an attempt to eat more reasonably.  The cesar salad was to die for and I ate all of that.  Did not have bread.  At Soriah's I had rib eye steak with mash and again, cesar salad, no bread.  I didn't eat all the steak and was careful to cut out the fat.  The sauce on the steak was divine goganzola.  I really worked hard not to eat poorly at the home show and did find a salad to eat.  What worked:  me being careful.  What didn't: me eating chips before bed.  Ok.  So, I have progressed and for that I need to acknowledge myself.  I still need to control the wine consumption.  So, Sunday we go out and eat at Pastini.  I have the meatballs sans cheese and a cesar salad.  I think I see a trend here.  Flash forward to Monday morning.  Headache from wine and weight is 221.  Now, I am holding back the tears.  It is just so hard to see the weight go up and I keep sabotaging myself.  By the way, I also took a walk with Bella, my border collie of about a mile and one half.  Didn't my body recognize my ill attempts at control?  Guess not.

March 12, 2010

New day, new loss. Down to 216.6. Really? Can it be true? I can barely contain myself as I approach the 200 mark. I am ashamed to say that-200? Really? Seriously? What the hell was I thinking as I let myself get so fat? 270? How and why did that happen? I need to figure that part out or I feel destined to repeat this cycle again. I am not sure I can deal with that. In fact, pretty sure this needs to be the one last time for this. I do know that I need to pay attention to what I am consuming for the rest of my life. Question is, will I?