I Can See Clearly Now 202.4

I had a funny thing happen to me this morning.  I looked into the mirror and was surprised at what I saw.  I saw a former me.  A younger me.  A prettier me than I have in years.  My skin is clear, my eyes vibrant, my jawbone is there.  I can see it.  I haven't seen me for a long time and I welcomed her back.  I was moved by who I saw and I said to myself, this is good.  You look good.  Welcome back.  I got tears in my eyes.  I thought you deserve this.  You really do.  It is ok to be happy about this.  I wanted to give permission to feel good about me and I did.
What I don't understand is why others can't see what a struggle this is for me.  This is my life and if I don't become healthy, I could die.  I don't want to go out for a drink right now.  I don't want to sabotage this new girl I see.  Drinks are not necessary at this moment.  Health is necessary.  Every pound I lose gets me closer to that goal.  Drinking and eating what I want doesn't. 

Shiritaki Noodles

Wow.  I love these "noodles" because they have no calories, no fat, no carbs, no nothing.  It is awesome.  Tonight I made this dish I made up in my mind.

1 can tomato no salt 16oz diced
1 Yellow bell pepper sliced
1/2 yellow onion chopped
2 cloves garlic chopped
2 tsp low salt soy
1 tsp olive oil
2 tbs balsamic vinegar
2 tbs basil dried
2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/4 cup red wine
1 package Shiritaki noodles

Saute onion, garlic, bell pepper till soft in olive oil
add soy, vinegar, and wine
add basil and red pepper flakes
cook 3-5 minutes
add rinsed and drained noodles
stir
cook 2 minutes

add parmesan cheese when served


Enjoy.  This is delicious.  My son loved it and he grew up eating regular noodles.  Although he can tell the difference in noodles, he thought this dish was delicious.  I highly recommend trying these noodles.

Let me know what you think.  I got mine at Whole Foods.  They were $1.79 and called tofu shiritaki.  I also ordered some online that are the no cal, fat, carb.  This brand does have 20 cal, 1 gram protein, 3 carb.

Inspiration

Biggest Loser was awesome last night.  I was sad to see Sunshine leave without being in the final four.  What was really inspirational, though, was the retrospective on each of the five final players.  Each one was recorded when they first came on the show.  They were asked to tell the thin person they would become why they needed to keep going and what it feels like to be so fat.  It was awesome.  Each one of them was moved to tears by the progress they had made.  Most had lost over a hundred pounds in 17 weeks.  They did this with all day exercise and frigging hard work.  The point is that they were reminded where they came from and the need to move forward and not backslide.  The show also had two former winners.  One kept her weight off and the male put all his back on.  Wow.  The courage it must have taken to come on the show and allow everyone to see his struggle with putting weight back on.  I admire that man.  Not for gaining weight, but for courage.  He is in the process of relosing this weight.  He is over 300 lbs.  Daunting.  I can't imagine what he struggles with.  The point of the whole show was that they all need to stay focused.  The advice was to not give yourself a pass when the weight begins to creep back on.  Wow.  I can relate to that having done what he did.  But, so what.  That is the past.  Right?  Truth is, we all worry about it.  The final four should be interesting to watch.  I am not for Koli.  He was too full of himself and cocky.  I want Ashley to win or Michael.  They still have concern for their fellow contestants.  That kind of attitude works for me.  Isn't that why we all comment on each other's blogs?  We all care about these struggles and really want each other to succeed.  I know that is why I am here.  I appreciate all of you and the common support we offer.  Thanks, gals and guys.  I can't do it without you!

What is a day worth?

Each day, I wake up to the same feeling.  I wonder if any more weight has been moved off my body.  I can't wait for one day to end, so that the start of another means I am that much closer to my goal.  Really, it is mostly what I think about.  I am motivated beyond belief.  I realize that this may not stay with me and for that, I am afraid.  What if this is all just a terrible dream.  I really haven't lost 66 lbs.  I really am that really fat girl in the picture.  Am I destined to become her again?  Somehow, I have to hold onto this feeling.  I watched some reruns of the biggest loser this week end.  (yes, I am obsessive).  Bob and Jillian keep pushing for that breakthrough for each contestant as to why they are fat.  Obviously, this can't be an easy question, or we would all be thin.  Right?  I don't know.  What I do know is I just can't be that fat girl again and by no means am I done here.  I have 43 left to lose.  I can get there.  I will get there.  I have to.  I can't wait to see BL tonight.  I am rooting for everyone to make their goal and I don't care a bit who wins the money.  They will all be winners if they achieve good health.

Photos

Judgements

We all make them.  We decide who people are and what they think just by looking.  How about fat people?  What are they about?  Are they all lazy, out of control people?   I don't think it can be answered that simply.  I don't have the answer why so many people are so fat, but when I look around, I see fat people.  They are everywhere.  I know the pain they feel when people make judgements about who they are.  They may not say it, but the look of disgust is there.  Shaking of heads, or a brazen comment can send someone reeling.  I have compassion for how hard losing weight is.  I have compassion for how people get fat and can't see that they can get out of it.  It is a long road.  It takes work.  Everyday, it is among the choices.  Will I have salad or fries?  How about baked potato or broccoli?  Will I have the fried fish or the baked cod?  How about pancakes?  How about it?  I caught myself feeling superior today because I no longer look fat and I have lost 64 lbs.  I am still heavy, and have 46 more to lose to reach a healthy BMI.  I checked myself after the thought because this isn't easy.  It's hard and it sucks to be fat.  It sucks to be fat and to be judged for it. I am not cured.  I am thinner, but I am not above gaining the weight back.  I have done that before.  It sucks even more the second time.   I won't judge someone by their size again.  I have walked in their shoes.

Alone

Lat night I dreamt about being alone.  All alone.  My closest friend was choosing to move away.  Where would I be?  Alone.  The biggest loser week 14 is down to the final 8.  Ashley feels alone without Drea as she went home last week.  Ashley feels she just can't do this alone.  But, she can.  In fact, she may be stronger than she thinks.  I wonder though, am I as strong as I need to be?  Can I stand on my own and do the work that remains to be done?  Yes, the hard work is done alone.  It is those choices we make all day and everyday.  Will I choose to eat this, drink that.  The moment by moment choices are, at times, excruciating.  But, I can, we can, do this.  Because we really are not alone.  We have each other as support.  That is why we blog, isn't it?  We are in this together.