Memories

I spent the last 5 days with my sisters in attending and helping with her wedding.  It was supposed to be new memories and fun.  It was supposed to be a new life for the 3 of us sisters and a new way of relating.  Instead it was misery and just plain hell.  We picked at each other until we bled tears.  Not tears of joy, but of sorrow.  Instead of leaving feeling happy for me sister, I don't want to see her for a very long time.  I have not gone into where or how I came from, but this week I realized that my past has affected me in a great big way.  I will, for the purposes of this post, just relate to the food issues as children.

By Sunday evening, we had enough picking and started talking to each other about our childhood.  We were hungry.  We were not hungry because we didn't have money, in fact we went to private schools, had built in pools, big cars and ski boats.  We were the richest kids in our school.  We had the biggest house and to most, we were lucky to have those things.  But really, we were all three suffering.  We were called hogs and pigs for eating.  We were locked out of the house with only cheese to eat during the summer months, and yes, always hungry.  We thought we were fat because we were told that.  We were skin and bones for the most part.  One sister, was taken by her grandmother to eat each week, so she weighed about 20 more pounds than my other sister and I.  We never really figured why until this week.  Now we know why we can't stand each other.  It hurts.  We don't love each other because we don't know how.

I can't really tell you how much it hurts to leave today and think, I am never coming back.  I know, in the end, I will because that is who I am.  I am the oldest and I took care of them the best I could.  Our parents left the parenting to me.

 Don't really know why we were not allowed to eat.  My sisters reminded me about how I took a sneak drink from a gallon of milk and was caught by my father.  Big mistake.  I was made to sit and drink the entire gallon all the while being called fat ass and pig and glutton.  Wow.  I had forgotten it, but really my need to soothe myself had not forgotten.  It is any wonder why I have food issues?  I don't think so.

I apologize to anyone reading this in the sense that I am not desperate and don't mean to give that impression.  I really have a great life full of love and pleasure and lovely grown children.  This week taught me something about myself that I didn't realize before.  I still have a lot of healing to do where my family of origin is at stake.  I still have healing to do with my self image.  I am not a fat pig or glutton or worthless.  I know that.  My vow to myself is to continue on this journey towards health both physically and mentally.  No one can do that work for me and I know that.

Anyone experience this kind of childhood who has food issues now?  I bet I am not alone and neither are you.  We have a sense of community here.  I challenge you to do the hard work of self examination.  I know I will be.  More to follow.

How Much Longer

How much longer will it take for me to reach my goal?  I have been stalled out for about 5 months.  It isn't my body that is stalled, it is me.  It is me drinking gin and tonic and wine with dinner.   It is me not following my plan completely.  If I were, I would be at my ideal and desired weight.  I tried this last week to go alcohol free and lasted all of two days.  I enjoy drinking with my friends and it is just too hard to give up.  For those of you who may be concerned that this is a cry for help, stop.  It isn't.  This is not a problem I need AA for.  I only blog about this because I am telling the truth.  Lyn, at Escape from Obesity has escaped.  She continues to lose weight.  She is working her plan.  I wonder how much longer I will continue on this pattern or will I find the strength I need to do what needs to be done.  Will I return to my plan and follow as directed?  I have to or I wont lose the last 40 lbs I want to lose.  How much longer will I give in to my habits which don't get me where I want or need to be?  Stay tuned.  I will let you know.

Thintervention

I watched the show Thintervention yesterday.  It is on the Bravo channel.  Can't say I saw it at all as inspiration.  The people on the show seem emotionally retarded.  They seem self centered and don't really represent in my mind the struggles most of us have.  They all have money that seems to come not from hard work at anything.  Maybe I am reading it wrong, but less than impressed is my impression.  The show doesn't really seem to chronicle what we are going through on our journey to better health.  We all don't have a chef or a seemingly endless supply of wait staff.  Most of us have to go to work each day.  We have to plan ahead for our healthy meals.  We are challenged to keep house, cook, go to work, and then find time to exercise.  For those with young children, it is even more complicated.

Last week I read about another blogger who passed.  He didn't make it out of obesity.  He wanted to, but time ran out for him.  Hearing this, helps me stay focused on why we are either reading or writing a blog.
This is the second blogger who has passed since I started on blogger.  It makes me sad.  I know the two that passed wanted to find their way.

We need the support of others along our journey.  We need to know that we are not alone.  We are not alone.   I appreciate the support from my friends and fellow bloggers.   I don't plan on watching Thintervention again.  And that is just the way it is.

Last Year/New Me

Last year at this time, I was fat.  I was fat and disgusted with myself.  I was depressed at how fat I had become.  I could not see that I could do anything for myself to change being fat.  I mean really, doesn't everyone know that the medications I take reduce my metabolism by 5%?  Who can fight that anyway?  Yeah, I saw pictures of me at my eldest son's wedding that made me cringe with shame.  Shame on me for accepting me as fat.  By October, something had begun to change in me.  I noticed that my best friend who never had a weight problem had put on 25lbs.  She was getting fat.  Was I helping her or hurting her with the fat?  I started to see things in a different light.  If it wasn't for the fact that I had paid tons of money to lose weight several years ago and only gain it back and then some, I might have had more hope.  I was hopeless.  Was I really?  Could I muster up some courage?

This year is different.  I am 70 lbs lighter.  I did this by being determined. I was determined to love myself a little better.   By not being hopeless. By having hope and faith in myself.  I still have another 40 to lose.  But, that is ok.  I will do this. 

This year I love wearing my NorthFace jacket that is a size L.  NOT XXL, L.  I love putting this on and it outlines my body.  My body is now smaller and it feels comfortable.  I love wearing a skirt to work and not being ashamed of my legs.  I love slipping on my pants and feeling like they fit.  They are not tight.  They fit.  I fit. 

Bridesmaid

I will be a bridesmaid in 3 weeks.  I have gotten the dress and it is pretty.  It feels strange to me.  It is a prom dress of sorts.  I never went to prom.  Didn't think I was into that at the time, but maybe I was.  I tried the dress on today.  It is a typical prom dress.  It just fits.  The material is satin and does not give one inch.  I felt fat even though I don't weigh what I weighed 70lbs ago.  I know the focus of the wedding isn't on me, but I still want to look my best.  I am back on plan today and will remain so until the wedding.  I feel good having this goal.  I feel strong.  I will look great.  I will feel great wearing my prom, I mean bridesmaid dress.

Feeling Fat

Ever have that feeling after eating something not on your plan?  It is the feeling that you are still just plain old fat although you have lost weight.  In fact, after 70 lbs of lost weight, I can still go there.  I know it isn't right, but the feeling is there just the same.  Problem with these feeling is that they can be so destructive.  It can be the slippery slope that got us where we started.  I had that feeling today when I woke up.   I went out for dinner last night and the food was fairly heavily salted.  My fingers felt swollen this morning and I feel just plain lazy.  I had a choice to make right off the bat.  My son made homemade brownies and there were calling my name.  But I didn't make that choice.  Nope.  I just kept on and got my water from the fridge.  I will make the choice today to eat on plan and healthy.  I KNOW it is the choice we all must make daily and one slip won't be the downfall of my life.  Back on and back at it!  How about you?  What choice s will you make today?

Where I Am

I have not posted for quite a while.  I really have not had anything to say that I thought would add to anyone in the way of support or at the very least witty.  Lyn at Escape From Obesity really did escape today.  Her BMI is normal.  Gosh, I am so happy for her and really for all of us.  We are in this together.  We are not competing with each other, but rather, cheering each other on.  Her hard work has paid off.  She wasn't perfect in her victory, far from it.  But she persisted.  I admire her.

Now, an update on me.  I still weigh in at approx 200lbs.  Prior to vacation in June, I had reached 197.5 or so.  When I returned 3 weeks later, I was up to 205.  I have really been maintaining for about 5 months.  It hasn't been easy.  I am really careful with what I eat.  I am not as careful with drinking wine and gin and tonic and that is what has made the weight stay where it is.  I know that is the reason.  I am ok with this as I have really enjoyed my summer.  I have had many opportunities to make really poor choices, but didn't (other than alcohol).  So, all in all, I am proud of me.  I still need to lose 40 lbs.  I am comfortable with my body at this moment, but there is work to be done.  I know this.  Not sure when I will belly up to the weight loss, but I feel certain I will.  I am happy I lost 70lbs. so no shame here.  I have a couple of events coming up.  My sister is getting married and an end of summer party.  Can't say after that.  I would like to think I will lose this by Christmas.  We will see.  Stay tuned.  I think I will go back to posting.  I miss it and hearing from Y'all.