Surgery Date and What I Know for Sure

January 8th is the day my life will change forever.

 Frankly, I am excited and terrified at the same time.  I don't take this change lightly.

I have doubts about doing this until I look into the mirror.  It isn't all about how I look.  It is also about how I feel physically and emotionally.  I am very open to sharing that this is the choice I have made, but for other's who have this surgery, it is a private matter.  I am alright sharing because I don't care if others see this as the easy way or cop out.  I know for a fact that this has already not been easy.  It has been a very long year of contemplation and preparation.  What I know for sure is that I hate being fat.  I hate the idea of worrying if the seat belt will fit in an airplane or if my behind will fit in the seat.  I hate the fact that I can't shop in the same store as my friend and that the best I can hope for with clothes is that they don't accentuate how fat I really am and at the same time don't fit like a mu mu.  I hate that I have obstructive sleep apnea.  I hate that I have high blood pressure, and asthma, and esophageal re flux.  I hate that my Marine Drill Instructor son thinks that I should just eat less and work out more.  I hate that I am depressed and tired and just feel like laying around.  I hate that regardless of how hard I try, nothing seems to change this on any lasting level.

What I know for Sure....is that this will change my life.  It will change my body permanently.  It will change my relationships with food and drink.  It will change my medical issues.  It will allow me to have a quality of life that I don't currently participate in.  It will allow me to feel good in my skin, even if that skin is sagging.  It will allow me to enjoy moving my body again.  It will mitigate my medical issues and that is huge.  It will give me power that I feel has been drained from my life one pound at a time.  I am looking forward to that.  Very forward and consider the trade off worth it.

Life After WLS...

What will life be life be like after the surgery?
I can't say for certain, but I have a pretty good idea.

I will never be able to chug a glass of water or any other liquid.
I will have to sip for the rest of my life.
Never again will I be able to take a bite of any food and chew three times and swallow.
Never again will I be able to eat rich fatty food without paying a huge price.
Never again will I be able to eat anything sweet without paying a huge price.
I will have to chew every bite until it is the consistency of applesauce.


Does this seem like a big price to pay?  Yes. What is the advantage to doing this.  For me, this is the tool that I have not had before.  No longer will I have to gain and lose the same 70 lbs.  I am confident that the sacrifices listed above outweigh the distress of yo yo dieting.

Waiting....

I am waiting and it seems like an eternity.  I still don't have a date for the surgery, but the promise that next week I will seems exciting.  While I wait, I am expected to continue to lose weight.  Well, I am staying steady.  How do I do this?  I try to keep my calories around 1300 a day.  While I wait, I am also expected to continue my diet and exercise journal.  So far, this has already been inspected 3 times by the surgeon and the nutritionist.  I suppose I will go under the microscope again with this.  It is a true test of my endurance with the upcoming holidays.  But then, really, the true test will be the rest of my life.  I am taking 100 mg of calcium along with a multivitamin daily.  I am expected to maintain the walking as well and use hand weights to maintain muscle strength.

And so, I wait.

Now What?

This is my first post in a very long time.  I decided that I really missed the blog world.  In the mean time, I have regained all of the weight lost by my Medifast diet.  It took me awhile, but its back, which is likely the reason for no posts.

So, now what?  I can't, can't, can't gain it back and lose it again.  It just feels defeating.  Actually, it is defeating.  I have decided to have weight loss surgery and will have a gastric bypass in January.  I am excited and frightened at the same time.  It has not been an easy nor quick decision.

This past year has been spent preparing for the surgery.  My first contact with my doctor was at the end of January.  She placed a referral and they evaluated my conditions to determine if I would be accepted into the SEVERE OBESITY program.  UGG!  I was accepted.  Don't think those words didn't hurt...
I am hopeful that by sharing my experience or the good and the bad, that I might be able to help someone else.

Here is process:
Ask PCP to refer to program and agree to follow up care post surgery.  PCP had to document previous weight loss attempts which were medically supervised.  PCP had to list co-morbidities.
This occurred in January 2014.

Accepted into program             February  2014
In depth questionnaire              February  2014
Group Orientation Meeting      March      2014
Eight Week Nutrition Class     June/July  2014
Group Class                              July          2014
One Hour Nutritionist              August      2014
One Hour Social Worker         August      2014
Sign Contract Commitment     September 2014
Repeat Nutrition Apt               September 2014
Bariatric Team Consult           September 2014
Lab Tests                                 September 2014
Ultrasound Gallbladder           September 2014
Surgeon Consult                      October     2014

No surgery date set.  Waiting for new year schedule to be created first week of November.

Two Days on Track

So, two days with no alcohol or any other substance that would impair my loss.  To date, 5 lbs down.  Back to 203 this morning and, happy I am.  Last night was difficult watching the election returns with friends who were drinking.  I just sipped my tea knowing that my weight loss will be its own reward.  Besides, I have it in my head that this is only for one month.  I can do a month.  Can you?

Beginning Again

I have not posted in some time.  I don't post if I have nothing to say.  I do today, so here goes.  It was November 1 yesterday.  That is the one year anniversary of starting Medifast.  I lost 70 lbs by May and just seemed to stop losing weight.  It wasn't because of Medifast.  In fact, the only way I have been able to maintain that loss is due to Medifast.  I admit, it is half heartedly that I have done this, but just the same, I have stayed within 5 lbs of my loss for about 5 months.

Coming to the year anniversary made me stop and think.  Is this where I intended to end this?  Yes, I feel good in my body 70 lbs slimmer, but no.  I didn't achieve the loss needed for the breast reduction.  It is something I want in a big way.  I took the summer off.  I sipped my gin and tonics on the back porch all summer.  I travelled to New Orleans and ate what I wanted.  I had countless other opportunities to eat, drink, and be merry.  And I did.  But, I did it with a modicum of control as evidenced by the maintenance of my weight.

So, it is a new month and a new day.  I am off alcohol and on the diet full fledged for the next month.  I am making a one month goal to start.  It seems more doable than not.  I lost 4.5 lbs yesterday.  Yeah.

I know I have changed.  I don't do some of the old behaviours and I will post about that another day.  If you are struggling with commitment, won't you join me for a month on your plan?  Let's see how far we can get in a month.  It is still pre holiday and there is time to make a difference.

Memories

I spent the last 5 days with my sisters in attending and helping with her wedding.  It was supposed to be new memories and fun.  It was supposed to be a new life for the 3 of us sisters and a new way of relating.  Instead it was misery and just plain hell.  We picked at each other until we bled tears.  Not tears of joy, but of sorrow.  Instead of leaving feeling happy for me sister, I don't want to see her for a very long time.  I have not gone into where or how I came from, but this week I realized that my past has affected me in a great big way.  I will, for the purposes of this post, just relate to the food issues as children.

By Sunday evening, we had enough picking and started talking to each other about our childhood.  We were hungry.  We were not hungry because we didn't have money, in fact we went to private schools, had built in pools, big cars and ski boats.  We were the richest kids in our school.  We had the biggest house and to most, we were lucky to have those things.  But really, we were all three suffering.  We were called hogs and pigs for eating.  We were locked out of the house with only cheese to eat during the summer months, and yes, always hungry.  We thought we were fat because we were told that.  We were skin and bones for the most part.  One sister, was taken by her grandmother to eat each week, so she weighed about 20 more pounds than my other sister and I.  We never really figured why until this week.  Now we know why we can't stand each other.  It hurts.  We don't love each other because we don't know how.

I can't really tell you how much it hurts to leave today and think, I am never coming back.  I know, in the end, I will because that is who I am.  I am the oldest and I took care of them the best I could.  Our parents left the parenting to me.

 Don't really know why we were not allowed to eat.  My sisters reminded me about how I took a sneak drink from a gallon of milk and was caught by my father.  Big mistake.  I was made to sit and drink the entire gallon all the while being called fat ass and pig and glutton.  Wow.  I had forgotten it, but really my need to soothe myself had not forgotten.  It is any wonder why I have food issues?  I don't think so.

I apologize to anyone reading this in the sense that I am not desperate and don't mean to give that impression.  I really have a great life full of love and pleasure and lovely grown children.  This week taught me something about myself that I didn't realize before.  I still have a lot of healing to do where my family of origin is at stake.  I still have healing to do with my self image.  I am not a fat pig or glutton or worthless.  I know that.  My vow to myself is to continue on this journey towards health both physically and mentally.  No one can do that work for me and I know that.

Anyone experience this kind of childhood who has food issues now?  I bet I am not alone and neither are you.  We have a sense of community here.  I challenge you to do the hard work of self examination.  I know I will be.  More to follow.