Vacation of Sorts

I am at my son and DIL's apartment and have been since Sunday afternoon.  My son have been deployed overseas and my daughter in law is moving home to La and I am driving with her.  It is weird being where he lived and never seeing him here.  They only lived here a year.  Anyway, I have been walking like crazy each day.  Over 10000 steps each day and enjoying it.  I have strayed off plan, but not too terribly much.  Last night I wanted sushi and I regret it today.  I took a look at how many calories are in what I had today and just about had a heart attack.  Anyway, I am done with that and will move on.  I have stayed at about the same weight of 198-199 despite my wanderings.  I am doing ok because I do feel like I am in control.  I brought my food and am eating this mostly but have been allowing myself two lean and greens per day rather than one.  All in all, I am not breaking out like a crazy woman and I had realy serious concerns about what I would do without my work a day routine.  I am proud of myself and frankly, very proud indeed.  Love me.

197.4 and Menopause

Why do I post my weight here?  It is all about me and my consuming desire to lose.  Posting that number keeps me focused on my goal and I am ok with it for now.  It is a reality check.
 I read Lyn's blog today about this journey to lose and she has some really good points about not ever being finished.   I was working in the premise of an end to this weight loss and really, there isn't an end. I will always need to consider my food choices carefully.   Lyn talks about how this is not just a number on a scale, but it is the day by day decisions we make about our choices for food.  Here I am at 49 and still don't have shit figured out.  Somehow, I thought experience/age brought some sort of relief on that front.  Really, I have to adjust my thinking.  This is a journey and it is not a sprint.  It is a marathon.  Hmmm.
On another front, It seems I have entered a new phase in my life; menopause.  The hot flashes are constant now and they interrupt my sleep.  I have them all day long and all night.  Sometimes the flushed skin and sweat takes my breath away as it comes on fast and furious.  The hot flashes themselves are not so bad, but here we go again with my body changing without much input or consideration from me.  I don't  have bad feelings about menopause.  I know some do.  I can accept that I am changing, but does it have to happen so quickly?   I am not interested in hormone therapy for a variety of reasons.  I may change my mind on this if the symptoms continue as they are. Ahh life.

The Voices

I was responding to Lyn's blog at Escape from Obesity today when I had a realization.  I can't allow myself to enjoy the success I have experienced because I may fail in the long run.  Lyn has lost a tremendous amount of weight and some of this is due to her diet on Medifast.  You may recall that I am following that plan.  I have lost over 70 on it and feel great in my skin.  What I don't feel great about is after the plan.  I have competing voices in my head.  Some are saying, "you are going to be successful no mater what" and the others are not so hopeful.  In fact, they only see failure.  Another blog today talked about prepackaged food and the expense of such.  Really, I don't think she meant it as a put down to those of us doing this, but it speaks to the voices who think failure is on the horizon.  I am worried.  I don't know if the success is due to me being diligent or the food, or you name it?  What matters to me isn't how I lost the weight, but how I keep it off.  The voices don't seem to care either as they are convinced by history.  I did this before and gained it all back.  I do wish that I could let myself believe that I can keep it off, but I just can't go there today or anytime soon.

Doubts

My closest friend has doubts.  She has concerns about my food choices.  You see, it is about my obsessive compulsive self.  I choose to eat the foods I like over and over.  Her concern is what will I do after Medifast?  I haven't given that much thought to tell the truth.  I don't know what I will do.  I have no plan at this point.  My focus has been entirely on losing and not maintaining when done.  I have had a long haul and I am not done yet.  I have 38 more to lose.  Probably 4 more months yet and maybe more.  I can't worry about that yet because my FOCUS is loss.  Maybe I should consider later, but right now, I just can't. I choose to eat foods I like.  I love the cheese puffs, soup, and bars.  It is really all I eat besides my lean and green.  I eat what I like.  I guess I don't see a huge problem with it at this point, but she is right about thinking about the future.  I need to start working on a plan.  Medifast does have a transition and maintenance phase.  I am going to read more about that.
On another note, I spoke with the scheduler today about the breast reduction.  It looks like it is a process.  The first thing they do is review my case to see if I meet the qualifications.  If I do, they will schedule a consultation.   They have people booked already for the next two months, so it looks like it will be August or September.  I worry I won't meet the qualifications.  I would be so disappointed.  I guess I would just have to see what it takes and do that to get qualified.  I wont give up on this.  It is just too important and I have worked too hard to see it fail.

200 Today

Ok.  I am struggling with this a bit.  I was down to 198 and then poof!  200.6.  I did eat some cookies last weekend and drank some wine, but I tracked every calorie and still burnt around 900 more than I ate this past week.  I finally got the go on the breast reduction.  I talked to the scheduler and it looks like I won't see any action from the knife until August or September at the soonest.  I am fine with this as there is a lot to do this summer.  Recupperating in the fall seems perfect.  I will probably lose another 10 pounds in the breast reduction alone.  Anyway, I do know this will happen and I just need to be patient.  I go on vacation on June 13 for 2.5 weeks, so I am worried about a gain.  I plan on bringing the medifast with me and eating as close to plan as possible.  This could prove difficult in New Orleans.  I have been reviewing books and such and it looks like everything is FRIED.  Oh no?  Hopefully, I won't make too many concessions and won't gain.  I worry too much.  I bought some bands to take on the trip so I can do some exercises in my room.  I know I will be walking a lot and that should really help.  I hope.  I am doubtful!