8 Weeks Post Op

What a difference a few weeks makes!   Finally am feeling like I might have this thing down!   I am accepting my limitations and moving forward.   I am 50 lbs down in just a little over two months.   That feels really wonderful.    I have 70 more to goal.   It might seem odd that I am just accepting the limitations considering that I chose surgery.   I can only say that despite what we are told, nothing really prepares you for how hard it will be.   I threw up after eating too much too fast this week.   Again, chest pain all day and then some.   Changing 53 years of habit does not happen in 8 weeks.   I am excited for what is to come with continued loss, but this isn't for everybody!

I heard myself say...

Yesterday, I saw an old friend who was asking me about the surgery.  I sort of like talking about it because it was really a big deal and I usually don't spend so much time on stuff like that.  Anyway, I was chattering on about the day of and after and then the weeks that have followed.  I started to hear myself say that I would not do this over again.  In fact, what I heard was a sentence that completely took me by surprise.  It went like this.  "If I had known that it was going to hurt to eat, I don't know that I would have done this."  And, I think it is true.  At this moment in time, and despite the weight loss, I don't know that I would do this again.  I have heard from everyone that has had the surgery that they wish they had done it sooner.  Really?  Hmmm.  Honestly, I have had a relatively easy time in comparison to others, but I feel different.  It is an odd think to know that your body has been altered.  I don't regret the reasons I did this, I think that they were honest.  But, I am tired a lot and eating is a friggin chore.  So, there, I said it.

I can safely assume that I will feel differently at some point, but this is how I feel now.

More on after the surgery...

I woke from surgery feeling pretty tired.  In fact, had a hard time staying awake.  Everyone went home because all I wanted to do was sleep.  I remember the nurse asking me to stand during the night, which I did, and then went back to sleep.  The next day all I wanted was my catheter out.  They complied telling me that this means I have to get up.  No problem.  I want to be up.  I sat in the big recliner chair almost all day.  My friends stopped by to see me and we chatted.  It was great.  Adrenaline was flowing.  I felt good.  I walked 7 times that day and the next.  You could not keep me down.  Second day I wanted the morphine drip off.  I wasn't in pain.  I was uncomfortable, but not in pain.  My incisions never bled.  I was the poster child. I had to start drinking fluids by mouth.  Just a sip every 15.  No problem.  No issues.  No vomiting.  No nothing.  OK! I can do this.  I can go home now, and I did.

Day 3 and 4 sucked.  I was off my adrenaline high.  I was low.  I HATED the Boost shakes that were supposed to give me all my calories and sustenance.  I managed two a day of the four I was supposed to drink.  I could not do more.  My legs began to shake uncontrollably at times.  I was scared.  What have I done?

Day 5.  Still not passing of the gas and no bowel movement.  Oh no.  What is wrong.  Legs shake more and am waking up with my whole body shaking.  I am scared.  What did I do?  I changed what was a pretty good life for one of fear?  Ugg.  I insist that my husband take me to the hospital.  They check me out and up and down.  Nothing really wrong with me.  I am having a major panic attack.  Bariatric RN tells me I need to walk more and power through.  Ok, great.  I have no power.  It is gone.  Now am told I have thrush.  Liquid meds for thrush taste like plastic.  I can't do it.  I brush my tongue harder than I ever have in my life.  All the white from the shakes comes off.  OK, I don't have thrush.

Day 6.  I can't lay on my back anymore.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat and I can't even see a light at the end of this tunnel.  I have my husband give me an enema.  I have slight relief, but not much.  Later in bed, I decide to turn on my side.  I have not done this before, because I couldn't.  I hear what is a slight pop sound.  I fart!  Hallelujah.  I farted.  Then cam the first bowel movement.  OK.  I am ok.  I can do this.

Day 7.  I can't drink anymore shakes.  I decide to have food and make it as liquid as possible.  My husband makes me mashed potatoes very watered down.  OMG.  That was the best taste ever.  I try refried beans.  No problem.  Yogurt.  No problem.  Everything tastes so good.  It is in small portions, but right now, it is ok.

Week 2.  It went well.  I continue eating the moist foods and soups.  I can manage.  I can do this.  Weeks 3 and 4 are good.  No problems.  I can't wait to get back to work.  I am bored.  I have not lost weight in two weeks.  How the hell does that happen?

Week 5.  I am back at work.  They are excited to see me and say they can see the changes.  I can too.  I have to buy smaller clothes, but just a few.  Supposedly, I will drop weight like crazy.  Ok.  I am waiting.  Sadly, I run into my first food issue.  I am reading email at work and fall into the old habit of not thinking about what I am eating.  I swallow that chicken and in that moment, everything changes in regards to eating.  It hurts to eat now.

Week 6.  Last night we go out for Thai.  I order green beans stir fried with pork.  I am at the 6 week mark, I can eat fresh vegetables, right?  Wrong.  I take one small bite of bean and pork and I am done.  I am in pain.  I can't eat any more and frankly my insides are squeezing like crazy.  I don't throw up, but I want to.  We leave and on the drive home I cough up this frothy crap.  Yep, I have reached a new low.  Pain and froth.  What have I done?

Six Weeks Post Op

Six weeks will have passed on Thursday since surgery.  In total, I have lost an amazing 43 lbs. Twenty five since surgery might seem like a low number, but when I think about it in terms of the loss before surgery day, it makes sense.

So, how do I feel?  Low energy seems to plague me most of the time.  I know it is due to the lack of calories.  My meals consist of 1/4 cup at a time.  Any more than that, and I am in pain.  I have only brought food up once and it was brutal.  I returned back to work and did not pay attention to how big a bite and swallowed a piece of chicken as big as my thumb nail.  Tears streamed down my face as I waited to have this expelled.  The pain was some of the worst I have experienced.  Since then, it hurts to eat.  So, pretty bummed about that.

Everything is hard.  Eating, bathroom activities, and exercise, are all hard.

Am I sorry that I did the surgery?  I can't say that.  I am not sorry that I no longer have GERD, am no longer prediabetic, or have sleep apnea.  I am not sorry that I am on my way towards a healthier lifestyle and body.  But, this isn't easy and it isn't for the faint of heart.

Would I do this again?  I don't know.  I need to give this more time.  

It's Go Time!

So, tomorrow is surgery day.  I have done everything I can do to prepare for this day.  The last two weeks have been very difficult in terms of the liquid diet.  Smelling food has been a big challenge and honestly, I have spent much of the time being very hungry.  I did not deviate one time and for that, I am pretty proud of myself.  I did it!

At this point, I am not scared.  I am excited and looking forward to ending this part of the journey and to starting the next part.  The part where I lose this excess weight and start to move around freely. The part where I don't need a CPAP machine, the part where I don't have GERD, the part where I don't have high blood pressure, and lastly, the part where I am no longer considered MORBIDLY OBESE!

Earlier this week, I did have some jitters.  I have a friend who is about a year out from her surgery and who has made tremendous progress getting fit and healthy.  I needed to hear the reality check that I knew only she would know.  For that, I am eternally grateful!  She said everything I needed to hear.
I have been checked out by the doctors.  I have done everything asked.  I am good to go.

Just got my check in time for tomorrow.  It is 1230 and surgery at 3pm.  Yay!


Here we gooooo......

Day 5 Liquid Diet Observations

Emotions...
It is a funny thing when you are not eating.  Your senses seem to come alive.  My sense of smell is so over the top right now.  I can smell everything to an extreme.  If fact, so much so that it bothers me.  I also am a bit emotional right now.  The smallest thing can bring me to tears.  Not at work, I don't do that, but at home watching TV about Wounded Warriors in a commercial.  I guess it doesn't help that my son is a Marine, but really?  Commercial crying?

Anyway, now on to hunger.  Not really all that hungry today.  In fact, not.  However, the last three days were murderous!  I could barely get through the day.  On the third day, Sunday, I though I was going to completely crumble.  I felt weak, irritable, and downright tired of the whole process.  But, I survived!   Weekends are really hard.  I am so used to waking up to my kid asking if we can go out to eat.  We didn't have this activity and it was down right hard!  We did do errands, but it wasn't the same.  I really missed doing our normal activities.  I had to ask myself if I missed it more than getting into good health.  No.  I didn't miss it that much.

So the third thing is drinking in general.  No coffee and no alcohol.  Neither of these have been deal breakers for me.  I am a little surprised at that.  I guess I figure that this is something I will have in the future.

Today is the final meeting with the surgeon before surgery on the 8th of January.  Hopefully, he will be satisfied with the five pounds I have lost.  I will let you all know.  Constipation is an issue with only drinking protein shakes for meals.  Hopefully the blasters I took this morning will do their business by this afternoon and, well, you know!

Surgery Date and What I Know for Sure

January 8th is the day my life will change forever.

 Frankly, I am excited and terrified at the same time.  I don't take this change lightly.

I have doubts about doing this until I look into the mirror.  It isn't all about how I look.  It is also about how I feel physically and emotionally.  I am very open to sharing that this is the choice I have made, but for other's who have this surgery, it is a private matter.  I am alright sharing because I don't care if others see this as the easy way or cop out.  I know for a fact that this has already not been easy.  It has been a very long year of contemplation and preparation.  What I know for sure is that I hate being fat.  I hate the idea of worrying if the seat belt will fit in an airplane or if my behind will fit in the seat.  I hate the fact that I can't shop in the same store as my friend and that the best I can hope for with clothes is that they don't accentuate how fat I really am and at the same time don't fit like a mu mu.  I hate that I have obstructive sleep apnea.  I hate that I have high blood pressure, and asthma, and esophageal re flux.  I hate that my Marine Drill Instructor son thinks that I should just eat less and work out more.  I hate that I am depressed and tired and just feel like laying around.  I hate that regardless of how hard I try, nothing seems to change this on any lasting level.

What I know for Sure....is that this will change my life.  It will change my body permanently.  It will change my relationships with food and drink.  It will change my medical issues.  It will allow me to have a quality of life that I don't currently participate in.  It will allow me to feel good in my skin, even if that skin is sagging.  It will allow me to enjoy moving my body again.  It will mitigate my medical issues and that is huge.  It will give me power that I feel has been drained from my life one pound at a time.  I am looking forward to that.  Very forward and consider the trade off worth it.

Life After WLS...

What will life be life be like after the surgery?
I can't say for certain, but I have a pretty good idea.

I will never be able to chug a glass of water or any other liquid.
I will have to sip for the rest of my life.
Never again will I be able to take a bite of any food and chew three times and swallow.
Never again will I be able to eat rich fatty food without paying a huge price.
Never again will I be able to eat anything sweet without paying a huge price.
I will have to chew every bite until it is the consistency of applesauce.


Does this seem like a big price to pay?  Yes. What is the advantage to doing this.  For me, this is the tool that I have not had before.  No longer will I have to gain and lose the same 70 lbs.  I am confident that the sacrifices listed above outweigh the distress of yo yo dieting.

Waiting....

I am waiting and it seems like an eternity.  I still don't have a date for the surgery, but the promise that next week I will seems exciting.  While I wait, I am expected to continue to lose weight.  Well, I am staying steady.  How do I do this?  I try to keep my calories around 1300 a day.  While I wait, I am also expected to continue my diet and exercise journal.  So far, this has already been inspected 3 times by the surgeon and the nutritionist.  I suppose I will go under the microscope again with this.  It is a true test of my endurance with the upcoming holidays.  But then, really, the true test will be the rest of my life.  I am taking 100 mg of calcium along with a multivitamin daily.  I am expected to maintain the walking as well and use hand weights to maintain muscle strength.

And so, I wait.

Now What?

This is my first post in a very long time.  I decided that I really missed the blog world.  In the mean time, I have regained all of the weight lost by my Medifast diet.  It took me awhile, but its back, which is likely the reason for no posts.

So, now what?  I can't, can't, can't gain it back and lose it again.  It just feels defeating.  Actually, it is defeating.  I have decided to have weight loss surgery and will have a gastric bypass in January.  I am excited and frightened at the same time.  It has not been an easy nor quick decision.

This past year has been spent preparing for the surgery.  My first contact with my doctor was at the end of January.  She placed a referral and they evaluated my conditions to determine if I would be accepted into the SEVERE OBESITY program.  UGG!  I was accepted.  Don't think those words didn't hurt...
I am hopeful that by sharing my experience or the good and the bad, that I might be able to help someone else.

Here is process:
Ask PCP to refer to program and agree to follow up care post surgery.  PCP had to document previous weight loss attempts which were medically supervised.  PCP had to list co-morbidities.
This occurred in January 2014.

Accepted into program             February  2014
In depth questionnaire              February  2014
Group Orientation Meeting      March      2014
Eight Week Nutrition Class     June/July  2014
Group Class                              July          2014
One Hour Nutritionist              August      2014
One Hour Social Worker         August      2014
Sign Contract Commitment     September 2014
Repeat Nutrition Apt               September 2014
Bariatric Team Consult           September 2014
Lab Tests                                 September 2014
Ultrasound Gallbladder           September 2014
Surgeon Consult                      October     2014

No surgery date set.  Waiting for new year schedule to be created first week of November.

Two Days on Track

So, two days with no alcohol or any other substance that would impair my loss.  To date, 5 lbs down.  Back to 203 this morning and, happy I am.  Last night was difficult watching the election returns with friends who were drinking.  I just sipped my tea knowing that my weight loss will be its own reward.  Besides, I have it in my head that this is only for one month.  I can do a month.  Can you?

Beginning Again

I have not posted in some time.  I don't post if I have nothing to say.  I do today, so here goes.  It was November 1 yesterday.  That is the one year anniversary of starting Medifast.  I lost 70 lbs by May and just seemed to stop losing weight.  It wasn't because of Medifast.  In fact, the only way I have been able to maintain that loss is due to Medifast.  I admit, it is half heartedly that I have done this, but just the same, I have stayed within 5 lbs of my loss for about 5 months.

Coming to the year anniversary made me stop and think.  Is this where I intended to end this?  Yes, I feel good in my body 70 lbs slimmer, but no.  I didn't achieve the loss needed for the breast reduction.  It is something I want in a big way.  I took the summer off.  I sipped my gin and tonics on the back porch all summer.  I travelled to New Orleans and ate what I wanted.  I had countless other opportunities to eat, drink, and be merry.  And I did.  But, I did it with a modicum of control as evidenced by the maintenance of my weight.

So, it is a new month and a new day.  I am off alcohol and on the diet full fledged for the next month.  I am making a one month goal to start.  It seems more doable than not.  I lost 4.5 lbs yesterday.  Yeah.

I know I have changed.  I don't do some of the old behaviours and I will post about that another day.  If you are struggling with commitment, won't you join me for a month on your plan?  Let's see how far we can get in a month.  It is still pre holiday and there is time to make a difference.

Memories

I spent the last 5 days with my sisters in attending and helping with her wedding.  It was supposed to be new memories and fun.  It was supposed to be a new life for the 3 of us sisters and a new way of relating.  Instead it was misery and just plain hell.  We picked at each other until we bled tears.  Not tears of joy, but of sorrow.  Instead of leaving feeling happy for me sister, I don't want to see her for a very long time.  I have not gone into where or how I came from, but this week I realized that my past has affected me in a great big way.  I will, for the purposes of this post, just relate to the food issues as children.

By Sunday evening, we had enough picking and started talking to each other about our childhood.  We were hungry.  We were not hungry because we didn't have money, in fact we went to private schools, had built in pools, big cars and ski boats.  We were the richest kids in our school.  We had the biggest house and to most, we were lucky to have those things.  But really, we were all three suffering.  We were called hogs and pigs for eating.  We were locked out of the house with only cheese to eat during the summer months, and yes, always hungry.  We thought we were fat because we were told that.  We were skin and bones for the most part.  One sister, was taken by her grandmother to eat each week, so she weighed about 20 more pounds than my other sister and I.  We never really figured why until this week.  Now we know why we can't stand each other.  It hurts.  We don't love each other because we don't know how.

I can't really tell you how much it hurts to leave today and think, I am never coming back.  I know, in the end, I will because that is who I am.  I am the oldest and I took care of them the best I could.  Our parents left the parenting to me.

 Don't really know why we were not allowed to eat.  My sisters reminded me about how I took a sneak drink from a gallon of milk and was caught by my father.  Big mistake.  I was made to sit and drink the entire gallon all the while being called fat ass and pig and glutton.  Wow.  I had forgotten it, but really my need to soothe myself had not forgotten.  It is any wonder why I have food issues?  I don't think so.

I apologize to anyone reading this in the sense that I am not desperate and don't mean to give that impression.  I really have a great life full of love and pleasure and lovely grown children.  This week taught me something about myself that I didn't realize before.  I still have a lot of healing to do where my family of origin is at stake.  I still have healing to do with my self image.  I am not a fat pig or glutton or worthless.  I know that.  My vow to myself is to continue on this journey towards health both physically and mentally.  No one can do that work for me and I know that.

Anyone experience this kind of childhood who has food issues now?  I bet I am not alone and neither are you.  We have a sense of community here.  I challenge you to do the hard work of self examination.  I know I will be.  More to follow.

How Much Longer

How much longer will it take for me to reach my goal?  I have been stalled out for about 5 months.  It isn't my body that is stalled, it is me.  It is me drinking gin and tonic and wine with dinner.   It is me not following my plan completely.  If I were, I would be at my ideal and desired weight.  I tried this last week to go alcohol free and lasted all of two days.  I enjoy drinking with my friends and it is just too hard to give up.  For those of you who may be concerned that this is a cry for help, stop.  It isn't.  This is not a problem I need AA for.  I only blog about this because I am telling the truth.  Lyn, at Escape from Obesity has escaped.  She continues to lose weight.  She is working her plan.  I wonder how much longer I will continue on this pattern or will I find the strength I need to do what needs to be done.  Will I return to my plan and follow as directed?  I have to or I wont lose the last 40 lbs I want to lose.  How much longer will I give in to my habits which don't get me where I want or need to be?  Stay tuned.  I will let you know.

Thintervention

I watched the show Thintervention yesterday.  It is on the Bravo channel.  Can't say I saw it at all as inspiration.  The people on the show seem emotionally retarded.  They seem self centered and don't really represent in my mind the struggles most of us have.  They all have money that seems to come not from hard work at anything.  Maybe I am reading it wrong, but less than impressed is my impression.  The show doesn't really seem to chronicle what we are going through on our journey to better health.  We all don't have a chef or a seemingly endless supply of wait staff.  Most of us have to go to work each day.  We have to plan ahead for our healthy meals.  We are challenged to keep house, cook, go to work, and then find time to exercise.  For those with young children, it is even more complicated.

Last week I read about another blogger who passed.  He didn't make it out of obesity.  He wanted to, but time ran out for him.  Hearing this, helps me stay focused on why we are either reading or writing a blog.
This is the second blogger who has passed since I started on blogger.  It makes me sad.  I know the two that passed wanted to find their way.

We need the support of others along our journey.  We need to know that we are not alone.  We are not alone.   I appreciate the support from my friends and fellow bloggers.   I don't plan on watching Thintervention again.  And that is just the way it is.

Last Year/New Me

Last year at this time, I was fat.  I was fat and disgusted with myself.  I was depressed at how fat I had become.  I could not see that I could do anything for myself to change being fat.  I mean really, doesn't everyone know that the medications I take reduce my metabolism by 5%?  Who can fight that anyway?  Yeah, I saw pictures of me at my eldest son's wedding that made me cringe with shame.  Shame on me for accepting me as fat.  By October, something had begun to change in me.  I noticed that my best friend who never had a weight problem had put on 25lbs.  She was getting fat.  Was I helping her or hurting her with the fat?  I started to see things in a different light.  If it wasn't for the fact that I had paid tons of money to lose weight several years ago and only gain it back and then some, I might have had more hope.  I was hopeless.  Was I really?  Could I muster up some courage?

This year is different.  I am 70 lbs lighter.  I did this by being determined. I was determined to love myself a little better.   By not being hopeless. By having hope and faith in myself.  I still have another 40 to lose.  But, that is ok.  I will do this. 

This year I love wearing my NorthFace jacket that is a size L.  NOT XXL, L.  I love putting this on and it outlines my body.  My body is now smaller and it feels comfortable.  I love wearing a skirt to work and not being ashamed of my legs.  I love slipping on my pants and feeling like they fit.  They are not tight.  They fit.  I fit. 

Bridesmaid

I will be a bridesmaid in 3 weeks.  I have gotten the dress and it is pretty.  It feels strange to me.  It is a prom dress of sorts.  I never went to prom.  Didn't think I was into that at the time, but maybe I was.  I tried the dress on today.  It is a typical prom dress.  It just fits.  The material is satin and does not give one inch.  I felt fat even though I don't weigh what I weighed 70lbs ago.  I know the focus of the wedding isn't on me, but I still want to look my best.  I am back on plan today and will remain so until the wedding.  I feel good having this goal.  I feel strong.  I will look great.  I will feel great wearing my prom, I mean bridesmaid dress.

Feeling Fat

Ever have that feeling after eating something not on your plan?  It is the feeling that you are still just plain old fat although you have lost weight.  In fact, after 70 lbs of lost weight, I can still go there.  I know it isn't right, but the feeling is there just the same.  Problem with these feeling is that they can be so destructive.  It can be the slippery slope that got us where we started.  I had that feeling today when I woke up.   I went out for dinner last night and the food was fairly heavily salted.  My fingers felt swollen this morning and I feel just plain lazy.  I had a choice to make right off the bat.  My son made homemade brownies and there were calling my name.  But I didn't make that choice.  Nope.  I just kept on and got my water from the fridge.  I will make the choice today to eat on plan and healthy.  I KNOW it is the choice we all must make daily and one slip won't be the downfall of my life.  Back on and back at it!  How about you?  What choice s will you make today?

Where I Am

I have not posted for quite a while.  I really have not had anything to say that I thought would add to anyone in the way of support or at the very least witty.  Lyn at Escape From Obesity really did escape today.  Her BMI is normal.  Gosh, I am so happy for her and really for all of us.  We are in this together.  We are not competing with each other, but rather, cheering each other on.  Her hard work has paid off.  She wasn't perfect in her victory, far from it.  But she persisted.  I admire her.

Now, an update on me.  I still weigh in at approx 200lbs.  Prior to vacation in June, I had reached 197.5 or so.  When I returned 3 weeks later, I was up to 205.  I have really been maintaining for about 5 months.  It hasn't been easy.  I am really careful with what I eat.  I am not as careful with drinking wine and gin and tonic and that is what has made the weight stay where it is.  I know that is the reason.  I am ok with this as I have really enjoyed my summer.  I have had many opportunities to make really poor choices, but didn't (other than alcohol).  So, all in all, I am proud of me.  I still need to lose 40 lbs.  I am comfortable with my body at this moment, but there is work to be done.  I know this.  Not sure when I will belly up to the weight loss, but I feel certain I will.  I am happy I lost 70lbs. so no shame here.  I have a couple of events coming up.  My sister is getting married and an end of summer party.  Can't say after that.  I would like to think I will lose this by Christmas.  We will see.  Stay tuned.  I think I will go back to posting.  I miss it and hearing from Y'all.

Training Wheels

I was in the car this morning with my son who is learning to drive.  I am pleased to see that he wants to get some more independence and is making some positive steps.  As we drove down the street in our neighborhood, we passed a mother and her young son.  She was helping guide her son who was learning to ride a bike.  It struck me because I was with my son who is at the tail end of my guidance and here was a  young mother with her son who is just beginning to give her guidance.  I thought about how nice it would be to have my mother around to give me comfort, but you see she passed a few years back.  She really wasn't much help to me in the ways that I needed her to be and I can only hope and pray that my two grown sons don't feel that way about me.  I don't think they do.
Anyway, I have gained a few pounds back this summer.  I have been living it up with wine and gin and tonics to my hearts content.  But today's weigh in was a wake up call for me.  204 today.  Last month I was 198.  I was disappointed that I have gained, but I have to take the credit.
I made a promise to go back on plan 100%.  And, so I will.  I have.  I do wish I could find some comfort about the weight, but the training wheels are off for me.  I can't wait for guidance.  I am grown.  I need to do what I need to do and not take the road of denial.  It is make it or break it time for me.  I have a choice.  I can continue being off plan or I can make the change right here to be back on course.  I don't know how many of you have been lured by summer eating and drinking, but I hope that you can do what you need for your body to be healthy.  Do it today, won't you?