Winner at a Losing Game

Two Days on Track

2010-11-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

So, two days with no alcohol or any other substance that would impair my loss. To date, 5 lbs down. Back to 203 this morning and, happy I am. Last night was difficult watching the election returns with friends who were drinking. I just sipped my tea knowing that my weight loss will be its own reward. Besides, I have it in my head that this is only for one month. I can do a month. Can you?

Beginning Again

2010-11-02T07:52:00.000-07:00

I have not posted in some time. I don't post if I have nothing to say. I do today, so here goes. It was November 1 yesterday. That is the one year anniversary of starting Medifast. I lost 70 lbs by May and just seemed to stop losing weight. It wasn't because of Medifast. In fact, the only way I have been able to maintain that loss is due to Medifast. I admit, it is half heartedly that I have done this, but just the same, I have stayed within 5 lbs of my loss for about 5 months.

Coming to the year anniversary made me stop and think. Is this where I intended to end this? Yes, I feel good in my body 70 lbs slimmer, but no. I didn't achieve the loss needed for the breast reduction. It is something I want in a big way. I took the summer off. I sipped my gin and tonics on the back porch all summer. I travelled to New Orleans and ate what I wanted. I had countless other opportunities to eat, drink, and be merry. And I did. But, I did it with a modicum of control as evidenced by the maintenance of my weight.

So, it is a new month and a new day. I am off alcohol and on the diet full fledged for the next month. I am making a one month goal to start. It seems more doable than not. I lost 4.5 lbs yesterday. Yeah.

I know I have changed. I don't do some of the old behaviours and I will post about that another day. If you are struggling with commitment, won't you join me for a month on your plan? Let's see how far we can get in a month. It is still pre holiday and there is time to make a difference.

Memories

2010-09-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

I spent the last 5 days with my sisters in attending and helping with her wedding. It was supposed to be new memories and fun. It was supposed to be a new life for the 3 of us sisters and a new way of relating. Instead it was misery and just plain hell. We picked at each other until we bled tears. Not tears of joy, but of sorrow. Instead of leaving feeling happy for me sister, I don't want to see her for a very long time. I have not gone into where or how I came from, but this week I realized that my past has affected me in a great big way. I will, for the purposes of this post, just relate to the food issues as children.

By Sunday evening, we had enough picking and started talking to each other about our childhood. We were hungry. We were not hungry because we didn't have money, in fact we went to private schools, had built in pools, big cars and ski boats. We were the richest kids in our school. We had the biggest house and to most, we were lucky to have those things. But really, we were all three suffering. We were called hogs and pigs for eating. We were locked out of the house with only cheese to eat during the summer months, and yes, always hungry. We thought we were fat because we were told that. We were skin and bones for the most part. One sister, was taken by her grandmother to eat each week, so she weighed about 20 more pounds than my other sister and I. We never really figured why until this week. Now we know why we can't stand each other. It hurts. We don't love each other because we don't know how.

I can't really tell you how much it hurts to leave today and think, I am never coming back. I know, in the end, I will because that is who I am. I am the oldest and I took care of them the best I could. Our parents left the parenting to me.

Don't really know why we were not allowed to eat. My sisters reminded me about how I took a sneak drink from a gallon of milk and was caught by my father. Big mistake. I was made to sit and drink the entire gallon all the while being called fat ass and pig and glutton. Wow. I had forgotten it, but really my need to soothe myself had not forgotten. It is any wonder why I have food issues? I don't think so.

I apologize to anyone reading this in the sense that I am not desperate and don't mean to give that impression. I really have a great life full of love and pleasure and lovely grown children. This week taught me something about myself that I didn't realize before. I still have a lot of healing to do where my family of origin is at stake. I still have healing to do with my self image. I am not a fat pig or glutton or worthless. I know that. My vow to myself is to continue on this journey towards health both physically and mentally. No one can do that work for me and I know that.

Anyone experience this kind of childhood who has food issues now? I bet I am not alone and neither are you. We have a sense of community here. I challenge you to do the hard work of self examination. I know I will be. More to follow.

How Much Longer

2010-09-17T17:16:00.000-07:00

How much longer will it take for me to reach my goal? I have been stalled out for about 5 months. It isn't my body that is stalled, it is me. It is me drinking gin and tonic and wine with dinner. It is me not following my plan completely. If I were, I would be at my ideal and desired weight. I tried this last week to go alcohol free and lasted all of two days. I enjoy drinking with my friends and it is just too hard to give up. For those of you who may be concerned that this is a cry for help, stop. It isn't. This is not a problem I need AA for. I only blog about this because I am telling the truth. Lyn, at Escape from Obesity has escaped. She continues to lose weight. She is working her plan. I wonder how much longer I will continue on this pattern or will I find the strength I need to do what needs to be done. Will I return to my plan and follow as directed? I have to or I wont lose the last 40 lbs I want to lose. How much longer will I give in to my habits which don't get me where I want or need to be? Stay tuned. I will let you know.

Thintervention

2010-09-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

I watched the show Thintervention yesterday. It is on the Bravo channel. Can't say I saw it at all as inspiration. The people on the show seem emotionally retarded. They seem self centered and don't really represent in my mind the struggles most of us have. They all have money that seems to come not from hard work at anything. Maybe I am reading it wrong, but less than impressed is my impression. The show doesn't really seem to chronicle what we are going through on our journey to better health. We all don't have a chef or a seemingly endless supply of wait staff. Most of us have to go to work each day. We have to plan ahead for our healthy meals. We are challenged to keep house, cook, go to work, and then find time to exercise. For those with young children, it is even more complicated.

Last week I read about another blogger who passed. He didn't make it out of obesity. He wanted to, but time ran out for him. Hearing this, helps me stay focused on why we are either reading or writing a blog.
This is the second blogger who has passed since I started on blogger. It makes me sad. I know the two that passed wanted to find their way.

We need the support of others along our journey. We need to know that we are not alone. We are not alone. I appreciate the support from my friends and fellow bloggers. I don't plan on watching Thintervention again. And that is just the way it is.

Last Year/New Me

2010-09-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

Last year at this time, I was fat. I was fat and disgusted with myself. I was depressed at how fat I had become. I could not see that I could do anything for myself to change being fat. I mean really, doesn't everyone know that the medications I take reduce my metabolism by 5%? Who can fight that anyway? Yeah, I saw pictures of me at my eldest son's wedding that made me cringe with shame. Shame on me for accepting me as fat. By October, something had begun to change in me. I noticed that my best friend who never had a weight problem had put on 25lbs. She was getting fat. Was I helping her or hurting her with the fat? I started to see things in a different light. If it wasn't for the fact that I had paid tons of money to lose weight several years ago and only gain it back and then some, I might have had more hope. I was hopeless. Was I really? Could I muster up some courage?

This year is different. I am 70 lbs lighter. I did this by being determined. I was determined to love myself a little better. By not being hopeless. By having hope and faith in myself. I still have another 40 to lose. But, that is ok. I will do this.

This year I love wearing my NorthFace jacket that is a size L. NOT XXL, L. I love putting this on and it outlines my body. My body is now smaller and it feels comfortable. I love wearing a skirt to work and not being ashamed of my legs. I love slipping on my pants and feeling like they fit. They are not tight. They fit. I fit.

Bridesmaid

2010-09-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

I will be a bridesmaid in 3 weeks. I have gotten the dress and it is pretty. It feels strange to me. It is a prom dress of sorts. I never went to prom. Didn't think I was into that at the time, but maybe I was. I tried the dress on today. It is a typical prom dress. It just fits. The material is satin and does not give one inch. I felt fat even though I don't weigh what I weighed 70lbs ago. I know the focus of the wedding isn't on me, but I still want to look my best. I am back on plan today and will remain so until the wedding. I feel good having this goal. I feel strong. I will look great. I will feel great wearing my prom, I mean bridesmaid dress.

Feeling Fat

2010-09-05T09:52:00.000-07:00

Ever have that feeling after eating something not on your plan? It is the feeling that you are still just plain old fat although you have lost weight. In fact, after 70 lbs of lost weight, I can still go there. I know it isn't right, but the feeling is there just the same. Problem with these feeling is that they can be so destructive. It can be the slippery slope that got us where we started. I had that feeling today when I woke up. I went out for dinner last night and the food was fairly heavily salted. My fingers felt swollen this morning and I feel just plain lazy. I had a choice to make right off the bat. My son made homemade brownies and there were calling my name. But I didn't make that choice. Nope. I just kept on and got my water from the fridge. I will make the choice today to eat on plan and healthy. I KNOW it is the choice we all must make daily and one slip won't be the downfall of my life. Back on and back at it! How about you? What choice s will you make today?

Where I Am

2010-09-02T14:30:00.000-07:00

I have not posted for quite a while. I really have not had anything to say that I thought would add to anyone in the way of support or at the very least witty. Lyn at Escape From Obesity really did escape today. Her BMI is normal. Gosh, I am so happy for her and really for all of us. We are in this together. We are not competing with each other, but rather, cheering each other on. Her hard work has paid off. She wasn't perfect in her victory, far from it. But she persisted. I admire her.

Now, an update on me. I still weigh in at approx 200lbs. Prior to vacation in June, I had reached 197.5 or so. When I returned 3 weeks later, I was up to 205. I have really been maintaining for about 5 months. It hasn't been easy. I am really careful with what I eat. I am not as careful with drinking wine and gin and tonic and that is what has made the weight stay where it is. I know that is the reason. I am ok with this as I have really enjoyed my summer. I have had many opportunities to make really poor choices, but didn't (other than alcohol). So, all in all, I am proud of me. I still need to lose 40 lbs. I am comfortable with my body at this moment, but there is work to be done. I know this. Not sure when I will belly up to the weight loss, but I feel certain I will. I am happy I lost 70lbs. so no shame here. I have a couple of events coming up. My sister is getting married and an end of summer party. Can't say after that. I would like to think I will lose this by Christmas. We will see. Stay tuned. I think I will go back to posting. I miss it and hearing from Y'all.

Training Wheels

2010-07-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

I was in the car this morning with my son who is learning to drive. I am pleased to see that he wants to get some more independence and is making some positive steps. As we drove down the street in our neighborhood, we passed a mother and her young son. She was helping guide her son who was learning to ride a bike. It struck me because I was with my son who is at the tail end of my guidance and here was a young mother with her son who is just beginning to give her guidance. I thought about how nice it would be to have my mother around to give me comfort, but you see she passed a few years back. She really wasn't much help to me in the ways that I needed her to be and I can only hope and pray that my two grown sons don't feel that way about me. I don't think they do.
Anyway, I have gained a few pounds back this summer. I have been living it up with wine and gin and tonics to my hearts content. But today's weigh in was a wake up call for me. 204 today. Last month I was 198. I was disappointed that I have gained, but I have to take the credit.
I made a promise to go back on plan 100%. And, so I will. I have. I do wish I could find some comfort about the weight, but the training wheels are off for me. I can't wait for guidance. I am grown. I need to do what I need to do and not take the road of denial. It is make it or break it time for me. I have a choice. I can continue being off plan or I can make the change right here to be back on course. I don't know how many of you have been lured by summer eating and drinking, but I hope that you can do what you need for your body to be healthy. Do it today, won't you?

The Return to Normal Life

2010-07-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

So, I am back from vacation. I gained 7.5 lbs, but that is not the focus of this post. I also gained the confidence that I can eat and be merry for a prescribed amount of time and then return to what I would consider eating to live and not living to eat. Eating in the south is a challenge, so I made the decision to enjoy the flavors and different foods. I walked what seemed like a million miles, so I knew that some of the increase in calories would be a wash. I did not eat with reckless abandon, but I did try everything I wanted to try. The southern cooks take perfectly good food like squash and smother it in bacon, butter, and flour. It was almost impossible to eat in a healthful manner in Louisiana at least while one is on vacation. Everything is fried. Everything that is listed as grilled, is also grilled in oil of some kind. So, I went with the flow. I ate until I was full and left the rest. I ate pralines and bread pudding. I ate what tasted good and frankly, everything was delicious. Everything.
The point of my post today isn't a criticism of the south, but really that upon my return, I went back to my plan of healthful eating. It feels good to say that. I was so concerned prior to vacation that 2.5 weeks off plan would do me in and I would not be able to regain the control. But, I did, and I am. As far as the 7.5 goes, 3 of it is already gone as of today. It is progress as far as I am concerned. I like it.

Vacation of Sorts

2010-06-16T14:25:00.000-07:00

I am at my son and DIL's apartment and have been since Sunday afternoon. My son have been deployed overseas and my daughter in law is moving home to La and I am driving with her. It is weird being where he lived and never seeing him here. They only lived here a year. Anyway, I have been walking like crazy each day. Over 10000 steps each day and enjoying it. I have strayed off plan, but not too terribly much. Last night I wanted sushi and I regret it today. I took a look at how many calories are in what I had today and just about had a heart attack. Anyway, I am done with that and will move on. I have stayed at about the same weight of 198-199 despite my wanderings. I am doing ok because I do feel like I am in control. I brought my food and am eating this mostly but have been allowing myself two lean and greens per day rather than one. All in all, I am not breaking out like a crazy woman and I had realy serious concerns about what I would do without my work a day routine. I am proud of myself and frankly, very proud indeed. Love me.

197.4 and Menopause

2010-06-11T07:16:00.000-07:00

Why do I post my weight here? It is all about me and my consuming desire to lose. Posting that number keeps me focused on my goal and I am ok with it for now. It is a reality check.
I read Lyn's blog today about this journey to lose and she has some really good points about not ever being finished. I was working in the premise of an end to this weight loss and really, there isn't an end. I will always need to consider my food choices carefully. Lyn talks about how this is not just a number on a scale, but it is the day by day decisions we make about our choices for food. Here I am at 49 and still don't have shit figured out. Somehow, I thought experience/age brought some sort of relief on that front. Really, I have to adjust my thinking. This is a journey and it is not a sprint. It is a marathon. Hmmm.
On another front, It seems I have entered a new phase in my life; menopause. The hot flashes are constant now and they interrupt my sleep. I have them all day long and all night. Sometimes the flushed skin and sweat takes my breath away as it comes on fast and furious. The hot flashes themselves are not so bad, but here we go again with my body changing without much input or consideration from me. I don't have bad feelings about menopause. I know some do. I can accept that I am changing, but does it have to happen so quickly? I am not interested in hormone therapy for a variety of reasons. I may change my mind on this if the symptoms continue as they are. Ahh life.

The Voices

2010-06-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

I was responding to Lyn's blog at Escape from Obesity today when I had a realization. I can't allow myself to enjoy the success I have experienced because I may fail in the long run. Lyn has lost a tremendous amount of weight and some of this is due to her diet on Medifast. You may recall that I am following that plan. I have lost over 70 on it and feel great in my skin. What I don't feel great about is after the plan. I have competing voices in my head. Some are saying, "you are going to be successful no mater what" and the others are not so hopeful. In fact, they only see failure. Another blog today talked about prepackaged food and the expense of such. Really, I don't think she meant it as a put down to those of us doing this, but it speaks to the voices who think failure is on the horizon. I am worried. I don't know if the success is due to me being diligent or the food, or you name it? What matters to me isn't how I lost the weight, but how I keep it off. The voices don't seem to care either as they are convinced by history. I did this before and gained it all back. I do wish that I could let myself believe that I can keep it off, but I just can't go there today or anytime soon.

Doubts

2010-06-03T07:11:00.000-07:00

My closest friend has doubts. She has concerns about my food choices. You see, it is about my obsessive compulsive self. I choose to eat the foods I like over and over. Her concern is what will I do after Medifast? I haven't given that much thought to tell the truth. I don't know what I will do. I have no plan at this point. My focus has been entirely on losing and not maintaining when done. I have had a long haul and I am not done yet. I have 38 more to lose. Probably 4 more months yet and maybe more. I can't worry about that yet because my FOCUS is loss. Maybe I should consider later, but right now, I just can't. I choose to eat foods I like. I love the cheese puffs, soup, and bars. It is really all I eat besides my lean and green. I eat what I like. I guess I don't see a huge problem with it at this point, but she is right about thinking about the future. I need to start working on a plan. Medifast does have a transition and maintenance phase. I am going to read more about that.
On another note, I spoke with the scheduler today about the breast reduction. It looks like it is a process. The first thing they do is review my case to see if I meet the qualifications. If I do, they will schedule a consultation. They have people booked already for the next two months, so it looks like it will be August or September. I worry I won't meet the qualifications. I would be so disappointed. I guess I would just have to see what it takes and do that to get qualified. I wont give up on this. It is just too important and I have worked too hard to see it fail.

200 Today

2010-06-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

Ok. I am struggling with this a bit. I was down to 198 and then poof! 200.6. I did eat some cookies last weekend and drank some wine, but I tracked every calorie and still burnt around 900 more than I ate this past week. I finally got the go on the breast reduction. I talked to the scheduler and it looks like I won't see any action from the knife until August or September at the soonest. I am fine with this as there is a lot to do this summer. Recupperating in the fall seems perfect. I will probably lose another 10 pounds in the breast reduction alone. Anyway, I do know this will happen and I just need to be patient. I go on vacation on June 13 for 2.5 weeks, so I am worried about a gain. I plan on bringing the medifast with me and eating as close to plan as possible. This could prove difficult in New Orleans. I have been reviewing books and such and it looks like everything is FRIED. Oh no? Hopefully, I won't make too many concessions and won't gain. I worry too much. I bought some bands to take on the trip so I can do some exercises in my room. I know I will be walking a lot and that should really help. I hope. I am doubtful!

199.6 Day After Biggest Loser Finale

2010-05-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, I managed to maintain the 199 weight with an additional loss of .2. I feel pretty darn excited about that. I am finally free of the 200's. I really hope that it is forever this time. That doesn't mean I have no faith in myself. It only means I know never to say never again.
Anyway, did anyone have a chance to see the BL finale? I watched and was not surprised by the winner. It was either Michael or Ash. Everyone really looked good and I was very impressed with everyone's progress. Even the people who worked their plan at home looked really good. Koli seemed done in by the whole process when he said he just wanted to go home. Michael looked really happy. Ashley seemed sort of amazed by the whole process. She did so well and was beautiful in her dress. Sunshine, who was my favorite, was beautiful. He dad Oneil, looked healthy and happy. The only thing that really stuck out to me was how much this group supported each other. They seemed in many regards like family. This was a fun season to watch and to cheer them on. I can't wait for next season 10.

199.8 If I Don't Move

2010-05-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

Well, friends, it finally happened. I got below 200. It still counts as below even if only 2/10ths below. I got it and I am keeping it. Two more pounds and I can ask the doc for the referral for the breast reduction. I am feeling so good right now. Accomplished. Good. Any yes, the scale dictates to me. Whatever.

Women Food and God

2010-05-24T16:29:00.000-07:00

I am reading this book tittled, Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth. A friend gave it to me as she found the book very enlightening. I like the book and the premise is that overeating has to do with filling hole in our spirituality. In essence, overeating because we feel____ (fill in the blank). She wants us to think about mindfulness and claims that she has lost and gained back over a thousand pounds in her lifetime. She won't ever diet again and believes that we can and should eat what we want and if mindful about this, we will stop when full. Thus, no weight issues. Hmmm. It is an interesting idea. Maybe even one that works. I do find the writing hard to follow as the auther doesn't stay on one topic for long. The book is an easy read in that it goes pretty quickly. The concept is interesting to say the least. On another note, my weight is stuck at 200.4 for the last several days and each day I get up with hopeful anticipation. Not today. Not yesterday nor the day before did I break through that 200 lb barrier. It is close. Yesterday was my 49th birthday. I gave myself a somewhat free day of eating, but didn't go overboard. It was a nice day and I felt relaxed.

Day After Biggest Loser

2010-05-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

So this week was a great show as always. Koli tried too hard and Daris didn't try hard enough. The two people least likely to make it are in the top two positions, Michael and Ashley. Go figure. Daris did great with his run, but could not control himself while he was home. Sound like anyone else out there? Way too familiar. Or in my case, I have been like Koli with my eye so on the prize that I didn't stop to think about the consequences of my lack of eating. Koli worked out like a son of a gun and only lost a few pounds the entire month. Daris gained two pounds despite his runs. I will vote for Daris to win as I feel sorry for him. I know how hard it is to lose a ton of weight and then find yourself out of control. I can also relate to Koli focusing so hard on the goal that he loses sight of the here and now. But, Koli has not been a team player the way Daris has. I see Daris supporting the others. Koli has been all about Sam or himself. I love to see the way the people are so supportive of each other. This groupd is really unique that way. They seem to really care about each other and the journey that they are on. Again, that is why we are in this blog world, isn't it? I love the support we all have for each other. It is important.

201.6 Another Low and Another Come Clean Time

2010-05-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well, here is another new low that I am so glad to see. But, I have yet, another confession. The past two weeks I have only been eating 600-700 calories a day. You know what? It didn't work. I didn't lose like I wanted. My body just would not budge. I worked out. I cut those calories and deviated from the program. I am so compulsive that I thought I could cut even more and drop weight faster. You see, I have all the components of an eating disorder. I could easily stop eating entirely. But I don't and I won't. I had another a ha moment when the scale would not budge. My best buddy also called me on my shit. She saw it and called it. And, she was right. I have since gone back to 900-1000 calories a day. And down the scale goes. Hmmm. Don't try this at home folks. It won't work. You have to fuel your body to lose weight. The proof is in the pudding. Sometimes, I just wonder about me.

What does success look like?

2010-05-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

Here is my weight loss progression from the beginning of this journey. As you can see I have no huge drops at any one time. It is just slow progression on a day by day basis. This is what it is supposed to be, yet I am still not happy. I have 40 more to go. My actual start weight was 168, but for some odd reason I recorded 167 like that was a better number. Oh, the mind games I go through. Anyway, today's weight is 202. I can really taste onederland now. It just can't come fast enough. I posted this chart because I need to see it like this. I need to see that I have made progress. I have made progress and it is successful. No doubt about it.

I Can See Clearly Now 202.4

2010-05-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

I had a funny thing happen to me this morning. I looked into the mirror and was surprised at what I saw. I saw a former me. A younger me. A prettier me than I have in years. My skin is clear, my eyes vibrant, my jawbone is there. I can see it. I haven't seen me for a long time and I welcomed her back. I was moved by who I saw and I said to myself, this is good. You look good. Welcome back. I got tears in my eyes. I thought you deserve this. You really do. It is ok to be happy about this. I wanted to give permission to feel good about me and I did.
What I don't understand is why others can't see what a struggle this is for me. This is my life and if I don't become healthy, I could die. I don't want to go out for a drink right now. I don't want to sabotage this new girl I see. Drinks are not necessary at this moment. Health is necessary. Every pound I lose gets me closer to that goal. Drinking and eating what I want doesn't.

Shiritaki Noodles

2010-05-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

Wow. I love these "noodles" because they have no calories, no fat, no carbs, no nothing. It is awesome. Tonight I made this dish I made up in my mind.

1 can tomato no salt 16oz diced
1 Yellow bell pepper sliced
1/2 yellow onion chopped
2 cloves garlic chopped
2 tsp low salt soy
1 tsp olive oil
2 tbs balsamic vinegar
2 tbs basil dried
2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/4 cup red wine
1 package Shiritaki noodles

Saute onion, garlic, bell pepper till soft in olive oil
add soy, vinegar, and wine
add basil and red pepper flakes
cook 3-5 minutes
add rinsed and drained noodles
stir
cook 2 minutes

add parmesan cheese when served

Enjoy. This is delicious. My son loved it and he grew up eating regular noodles. Although he can tell the difference in noodles, he thought this dish was delicious. I highly recommend trying these noodles.

Let me know what you think. I got mine at Whole Foods. They were $1.79 and called tofu shiritaki. I also ordered some online that are the no cal, fat, carb. This brand does have 20 cal, 1 gram protein, 3 carb.

Inspiration

2010-05-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

Biggest Loser was awesome last night. I was sad to see Sunshine leave without being in the final four. What was really inspirational, though, was the retrospective on each of the five final players. Each one was recorded when they first came on the show. They were asked to tell the thin person they would become why they needed to keep going and what it feels like to be so fat. It was awesome. Each one of them was moved to tears by the progress they had made. Most had lost over a hundred pounds in 17 weeks. They did this with all day exercise and frigging hard work. The point is that they were reminded where they came from and the need to move forward and not backslide. The show also had two former winners. One kept her weight off and the male put all his back on. Wow. The courage it must have taken to come on the show and allow everyone to see his struggle with putting weight back on. I admire that man. Not for gaining weight, but for courage. He is in the process of relosing this weight. He is over 300 lbs. Daunting. I can't imagine what he struggles with. The point of the whole show was that they all need to stay focused. The advice was to not give yourself a pass when the weight begins to creep back on. Wow. I can relate to that having done what he did. But, so what. That is the past. Right? Truth is, we all worry about it. The final four should be interesting to watch. I am not for Koli. He was too full of himself and cocky. I want Ashley to win or Michael. They still have concern for their fellow contestants. That kind of attitude works for me. Isn't that why we all comment on each other's blogs? We all care about these struggles and really want each other to succeed. I know that is why I am here. I appreciate all of you and the common support we offer. Thanks, gals and guys. I can't do it without you!

What is a day worth?

2010-05-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

Each day, I wake up to the same feeling. I wonder if any more weight has been moved off my body. I can't wait for one day to end, so that the start of another means I am that much closer to my goal. Really, it is mostly what I think about. I am motivated beyond belief. I realize that this may not stay with me and for that, I am afraid. What if this is all just a terrible dream. I really haven't lost 66 lbs. I really am that really fat girl in the picture. Am I destined to become her again? Somehow, I have to hold onto this feeling. I watched some reruns of the biggest loser this week end. (yes, I am obsessive). Bob and Jillian keep pushing for that breakthrough for each contestant as to why they are fat. Obviously, this can't be an easy question, or we would all be thin. Right? I don't know. What I do know is I just can't be that fat girl again and by no means am I done here. I have 43 left to lose. I can get there. I will get there. I have to. I can't wait to see BL tonight. I am rooting for everyone to make their goal and I don't care a bit who wins the money. They will all be winners if they achieve good health.

Photos

2010-05-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

So, here I am on Mothers Day with my wonder dog, Bella in the picture on top. The pic below is me just before I started my diet. I am the one on the right. Can't believe it.

I didn't realize how fat I had become. I do now. I feel good and like walking. Thank God I have lost weight. Where was I heading?

Anyway, thought I would share some photos. Enough said.

Judgements

2010-05-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

We all make them. We decide who people are and what they think just by looking. How about fat people? What are they about? Are they all lazy, out of control people? I don't think it can be answered that simply. I don't have the answer why so many people are so fat, but when I look around, I see fat people. They are everywhere. I know the pain they feel when people make judgements about who they are. They may not say it, but the look of disgust is there. Shaking of heads, or a brazen comment can send someone reeling. I have compassion for how hard losing weight is. I have compassion for how people get fat and can't see that they can get out of it. It is a long road. It takes work. Everyday, it is among the choices. Will I have salad or fries? How about baked potato or broccoli? Will I have the fried fish or the baked cod? How about pancakes? How about it? I caught myself feeling superior today because I no longer look fat and I have lost 64 lbs. I am still heavy, and have 46 more to lose to reach a healthy BMI. I checked myself after the thought because this isn't easy. It's hard and it sucks to be fat. It sucks to be fat and to be judged for it. I am not cured. I am thinner, but I am not above gaining the weight back. I have done that before. It sucks even more the second time. I won't judge someone by their size again. I have walked in their shoes.

Alone

2010-05-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

Lat night I dreamt about being alone. All alone. My closest friend was choosing to move away. Where would I be? Alone. The biggest loser week 14 is down to the final 8. Ashley feels alone without Drea as she went home last week. Ashley feels she just can't do this alone. But, she can. In fact, she may be stronger than she thinks. I wonder though, am I as strong as I need to be? Can I stand on my own and do the work that remains to be done? Yes, the hard work is done alone. It is those choices we make all day and everyday. Will I choose to eat this, drink that. The moment by moment choices are, at times, excruciating. But, I can, we can, do this. Because we really are not alone. We have each other as support. That is why we blog, isn't it? We are in this together.

Skin

2010-04-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

I was 208 today. I feel good in my skin. I feel good about my accomplishment. I lost 60 lbs. That is awesome and my body is glad. I feel like kid with a new toy and it's my body. That feel wonderful. I had a first today. I bought some new pajamas in size large. Really? size large? Yep. It is true. I came home from work today and folded several loads of laundry. I am not tired. I feel good. Good in my skin. Thank you.

Perspective

2010-04-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

Isn't everything really about our perspective? I read in Jennifers blog today that she is only down to 176. She was slightly disappointed because she had hoped for more. I get that, really I do. For me, 176 is a dream come true. I know she gets that and doesn't wish anyone for anything different. What I am saying though, is when are we satisfied with our progress? I hear almost daily how good I look and my repsonse is often, thanks, but I have so far to go. And, I do have 48 lbs left to lose. 60 have been lost and it is great, but not enough. I have a goal weight of 160 and I just can't wait to get there. I dream about it everynight before I go to bed. I try and visualize the success. I do want to keep my focus and keep my eye on the prize. Good health and a normal BMI are my focus. I am more comfortable in my thinner skin, but can not allow complacency to creep its ugly head into this goal. I don't know what Jennifers goal is and I hope she is almost there. But, I do know she is on the right path for health.

On another note, I do have reason to celebrate. I fit into a pair of size 14 dockers that I bought at Costco about 6 weeks ago. I hoped that they fit then, but they I could not even button them. Today, I slipped into them like butter. That is success, isn't it?

Am I Comfortable with My Obsessive Compulsive Self?

2010-04-28T13:33:00.000-07:00

208.6 exactly 60lbs lost!
Yesterday, my office mate asked me a question. It was a good question, but it made me laugh in the beginning because I felt like a kid who had been exposed. It all stemmed from her observations of my behaviour. Mainly, the bodybugg, calorie counting, using an exercise ball as my chair (which apparently causes you to burn more calories than just sitting in a regular chair), blogging, talking about my weight constantly, having hand held weights in the office to use while talking on the phone, and walking at lunch. Whew! Ok, so, what I have done here is surround myself with constant reminders of what my goal is. She wanted to know how I felt about it. My first question was if she was ok with all of this. She is ok with it, but wonders if I am comfortable? My answer is that I find this comforting by surrounding myself with this. It is comfortable because I am obsessive compulsive. I MUST do this or I will be fat. That is part of the reason I was fat. I am either on or off something and not being on watching my weight is what got me here now. It is what I think about constantly and I am comfortable with it. I don't want to become fat again. I don't want to have 100 lbs to lose to reach a normal BMI. I do enjoy my lighter body and am really relishing how comfortable that feels im my skin. I don't know if I can continue to obsess forever and that worries me. How will I find a happy medium? How do any of us do that? It seems to me that this isn't all that unordinary and that others do the same with sports or diet? What do you think?

209.6 today and holding!

2010-04-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

I wrote about accountability the other day and I am glad I did. I came out of the closet about my obsession. It felt scary and freeing at the same time. SkinnyHollie wrote today about her own issues with hiding her food from herself and others. She wouldn't track food on days she knows she didn't meet her own goals. I understand this very well. Eventually, we all need to come clean, but it is frightening. I applaud Hollie. She is brave. I am brave. We deserve to be healthy and we will. Today she posted the good, bad and ugly eating she did. It is a first step or second or whatever step it needs to be. She is ok and so am I. Biggest loser keeps waiting for those breakthroughs to happen with the contestants. They are sometimes small, but meaningful. I love this show and it gives me courage. If a 345 lb guy can run a 5K, what am I whining about? Wow. Courage. I love it. Thanks to everyone out there rooting for me. I appreciate it.

Confession Time

2010-04-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

Today's lovely weigh in 209.4. Happy about that I am. But, I do have a confession to make. I am so possessed by the loss of weight that I began doing some of my former high school days type of obsession by taking laxatives. I have been doing this for approximately 2 months. Why? Because I am possessed by the need for a quick loss. I began to doubt my ability to truly do this with my diet and forged ahead with what I know keeps the loss going and I mean literally. I finally had to fess up and have stopped doing this as of last night. I know it is not good for me to do this every day and I can see that I just trade one addiction for another. Geez. I don't like it about myself and it just makes me sad. I have been lying to me. I will stop this and go back to what has been working. Diet and walking. I will leave the obsession behind for now and go back to healthy attitudes. No more laxatives, just eating the way I should. I know what to do. Sorry everyone for not being honest. I have a long way to go both emotionally and weight. Someday, I will get there for both of those areas. I guess the only thing to do is confess and then release and let go.

Holding Steady?

2010-04-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

Today's weigh in is 210 exactly. Up a lb from last week and this after walking each day and aiming for those 10000 steps. Yep, disappointed and frustrated. I guess my body is just holding on to the weight and for the first time in 6 mo I started to doubt myself about the possibilities. I will keep trudging along and hope for the best, but ouch.

Biggest Loser Revelations

2010-04-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

I watched episode 12 last night from the BL. I was struck by the revelation that Sunshine had about being immeshed with her father. It seems part of the reason Sunshine got to the size she was when she joined the show, was indeed her relationship with her father. They are close, so close that he just couldn't let her go to be her own person. Inside that fat girl is a beautiful butterfly waiting to fly. He adores his daughter and vice versa. Nothing wrong with that, in fact really wonderful in many regards. Problem is when we hold on too tight. We prevent our children from being released to be who they were meant to be. Sunshine's father didn't want his daughter to go away. He was afraid his beautiful girl couldn't stand on her own. Being fat kept them together and insulated from others. Losing the weight on this show has given way to revelations for Sunshine. She has gained confidence and can see that she can stand on her own. She wants this for herself and quite beautifully, her father understands that his daughter must now make her own way. I was awed by the love the two of these people share. They are amazing people, but you know, not unlike so many of us. What is it that keeps us from emerging as the beautiful butterfly we really are? When will we break free from the ca coon of fat we are in? Will we allow ourselves to love us that much? It takes courage. I am a work in progress. I want to believe in myself the way Sunshine is starting to believe.

Accountability

2010-04-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I read about SkinnyHollie and her decision to quit dieting. It really intrigues me about that concept. I think that there is great truth to the idea that diets suck. They don't work in the long run and I can do anything for awhile. I guess that is where the idea of willpower comes in. Problem is, once the diet is done? (really, is it ever done?) the weight comes back on. But I think there is a distinct problem with the very idea of being done. Are we really done? or do we need to constantly monitor and make choices for our bodies to run on the best fuel available. I think that is what Hollie is trying to get to and I do applaud her for that. I responded to her blog that what strikes my is that perhaps there will be that lack of accountability that comes with a diet or a plan. I know for myself that the problem I encountered with gaining the weight back before was a lack of accountability. I didn't weigh myself for two years. I just could not deal with the failure that I knew the scale would not lie about. Truth is, I just hurt myself anyway. I gained back all the weight I fought so hard to lose. All the very times I chose to eat fuel and not make food the prize, just went to hell when I lost my accountability. Yesterday, a friend in the office said she saw my other Medifast buddy going through the drive through at TacoBell. Wow, her words were hard to hear. It was like a junky was seen getting a fix after being in rehab. Many people might think that was a horrible thing to say to my friend, but you know, it wasn't. It was accountability staring at her hard and cold. She said she was just getting a diet coke and I hope that was really the truth, I don't have a reason not to believe her. I do know that those drive throughs are a source of temptation. But then, hey, isn't everything. I do think Hollie is on to something and I REALLY want to see her succeed at whatever path she chooses. I hope that I can be a source of support to all of us on this road. I will seek to do that in an honest and truthful manner and I welcome honest and truthful feedback from all of you.

I don't feel like posting today.

2010-04-12T17:28:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like posting today because I just suck at this winner at a losing game thing. Last week I was so ON it, but Sunday came and I just went hog wild with the food. I was so stuffed that I hurt. Seriously, hurt. I drank and I ate my weigh to a three lb gain. OK, you say, it is water. Well, I don't care what it is, I just let myself sabotage again. I need to lose to reach my goal of 210 and quickly. I knew that going in yesterday, but I did it anyway. Why? I am back on today, but I think it was Jack Shit who said it best about not relosing each week what was gained on the week end. Ugh.

2nd Post Again Today

2010-04-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

I just have to share the good news. I was informed by my doctor that I am only 2 lbs from being on the list to have a breast reduction. I am so excited and very motivated by that news. Plus, no more GERD medicine and no more cholesterol. My doc was pretty please with the 56 lb loss. I have to say that this was a very good day for me. I have large and pendulous breasts and a breast reduction is going to change my life so very much. This is not a surgery for cosmetics, but for quality of life and under those circumstances, the insurance will pay for it. This was the best news and again, really gives me a reason to keep going strong. Yeah me!

212.6 Same as Yesterday

2010-04-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

Friday weigh in number. See above. Feeling a bit low today. Low energy and enthusiasm. Maybe I wore myself out being so proud of myself yesterday? Anyway, I am getting lots of compliments on my weight loss. People are really noticing. When I started this journey, I was convinced that it wasn't for any attention. I realize that it feels good to have people notice. I am catholic and we were raised not to have such pride in our appearance. I almost feel ashamed for being proud of the accomplishment. I have so far yet to go, but it feels tangible at this moment. Really, like I can do this this time. Can I allow myself to feel good for very long?

2nd Post Today

2010-04-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

I feel so good and so accomplished that it doesn't feel right at all. I am wearing a pair of pants (size 14) which I wore after losing weight the first time with LA weight loss. I have to say I felt frigging triumphant at getting these on to wear to work today. Only problem is I feel too big for my britches. No pun intended. The pants fit great. Is the problem that I feel I don't deserve to feel good? Maybe. I do know that finally reaching a place I never thought I would have the courage to get to again makes me happy and scared. I just can't do this again. Anyone else relate?

212.6 Seriously?

2010-04-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

Yep, it is true. I weighed myself 6 x to make sure the scale Gods were not playing a terrible trick on me. That is four lbs this week since Monday. One per day. Hmm. This won't last, but in spite of my lack of motivation last month, this is a good catch up. Can't wait to meet and break the 210 mark. Maybe this week end?
So, first impressions of BodyBugg. Their web site is not user friendly. It won't let you set a goal of losing more than 2.4 lbs a week. Which if you know Medifast, it is possible to lose 5 lbs a week. Testimony here is please see above. Anyway, the other issue I have is the nutrition goals. They set a menu for you and don't want you to drop below their recommended calorie limits. In fact, it won't let you do that. So, we shall see how this plays out. I am thus far leaning towards disappointment in my newest gadget. Maybe I should have bought the Ipad instead? I will keep you posted.

213.6

2010-04-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

Whew. Sigh. Yippee. Whoa. Did I really lose three pounds in 2 days? Yes, and again, a new low for me in three years. I am so excited and it really is worth the efforts that I am making. I feel good in my skin, well at least in my clothes. I am proud of myself. I can't wait to get home to see my BodyBugg. It came today and this is my newest gadget. You see, I am a techno loving girl. Any gadget, any time. Just booked my trip to New Orleans with my daughter in law and then my friend will join me in June. I am super excited. I am envisioning myself walking along the streets in NO with the sun beating down. Guess what I am wearing in this vision? It is a really cute pair of shorts and a tank top. I am wearing sandals and feel a spring in my step. You know why I have that spring? It's because I will be 27 lbs lighter than I am today. Ahh. Can you see me there too?

214.6 Today

2010-04-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

So, I am back where I started last week at the same weight. Progress has been made. I spoke with my friend today who is on the same program. We talked about why we had quit working on loss and accepted our complacency the entire month of March. We don't know the answer. The only thing I can figure is we just were not ready to lose more. Just not ready. We are ready now and going to move forward. I am so glad she is on the same path as this journey does seem easier together. I am down my 54 with that much more to lose to reach a healthy BMI. With the help of my BodyBugg I will move forward and down the scale.

216.4 Monday

2010-04-05T13:35:00.000-07:00

Up two pounds today which is not surprising. I barely managed to stay the course this week end. I am continuing to gain and lose the same 3-4 lbs. I feel strong and committed today and somewhat bouyed by the purchase of my body bugg. You see, I am making an investement in myself. I am worth it and so is my long term health. I will eat on plan for the next two months and drop weight in preparation for my vacation. I plan on 30 lbs and I know I can do it if I stay on program. I will lose 30 lbs by June 13. I will do this through determination and medifast!

Easter Morning

2010-04-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what I weigh today. It bothers me when I don't. I almost feel lost. I feel out of sorts without it. Yesterday was an ok eating day. Not 100% on plan, but didn't go too overboard either. Still, I feel restless. I have to wait until tomorrow to see how the scale God will shine upon me. Today the plan is to be OP. What strikes me funny today is that for 2 years I never weighed myself and the result was huge. I was huge. I didn't focus and I just accepted that I was huge. It really wasn't until an old grade school friend made a comment on facebook that I stopped and allowed myself to consider my hugeness. She said how I look just like my mother when we were kids. Really? Yep, I did. That stopped me cold in my tracks. It isn't that my mother was so bad or so unattractive. It was her size. The very thing I vowed never to get to. And there it was, plain as day. I looked like my mother.

Body Bugg

2010-04-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

So, I made a decision today. I bought a Body Bugg. It comes in two days because I paid for the extra shipping. You may wonder what the hurry is, but I need to keep momentum. Last night, I indulged at a local Eugene restaurant, Ambrosia. I ordered the halibut hoping for a more healthy choice. I passed on the bread and oil. It was served with a lovely garlic and lemon sauce with orzo. I have to say that I ate it all. It wasn't a huge serving, but still. I am working on making a night out for lean and green to only eat a half portion. I failed. Also, had the caesar salad which was overloaded with parmesan and dressing. To top that off, the Easter basket my friend Tom gave me was calling my name. I ate the Reses bunny and candy corn and a few Jelly Beans. OK! I am done with Easter basket. Anyway, back to the Body Bugg. I am going to really focus this month. Anyone else use this gadget?

April Challenge

2010-04-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

So, I am reading about everyone's challenges for themselves this month and decided to do the same. Last month, I only lost 5 of the 10 lbs that I had challenged myself to. Boo. Anyway, this month I need to be serious and lose 10 lbs and just do it. I still have the goal in mind of 25 more lbs by June 14. My son may be gone by then, but I will be on vacation with my daughter IL and want to really enjoy it. By that, I mean, not be obsessed about my weight the entire time. I probably will anyway, but at least I will try. I want to wear a bathing suit to the beach and not look like a whale. I want to wear shorts and tank tops and not have my legs rub together when I walk. These are not bad goals, but I might me making these negative goals as I am thinking about this. Maybe part of the healing that goes along with this weight loss is changing the tapes replaying negativity into a more positive? So, how can I rephrase these goals? I want to walk on the beach and feel comfortable in my skin! I want to walk on the beach and feel satisfied with myself! I guess I can do this.

Scale Gods

2010-04-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

Well, the scale Gods did not smile upon me this morning as I was up 1lb. I know it is water, but still. I hate seeing any increase regardless of the reason. Anyway, Easter is approaching and I don't see this as being a big temptation for me. I am enjoying reading the posts of others and frankly, some of them are very moving. I have a friend I am worried about. She is on the program too. In fact, is a coach. She seems to be losing steam and sliding back. I worry that she doesn't think she is worthy of being thin. She has become OK with where she is because she is 35 lbs thinner. We started this program together and she and I had the same amount of weight to lose. I am down 54 and she is only 35. I don't know how to help her without pissing her off or alienating her either. I care and don't know how to help! Any ideas out there?

214.4 Going Down

2010-03-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

I should feel accomplished, but I don't. I feel like I let myself down-again. More wine last night and I had promised myself I would not do this til Friday night. I still lost about .4 lbs, but still. Who am I kidding? Anyway, I am having a hard time concentrating. I am thinking of all the others out there who are "working at weight loss." We are all struggling with keeping on program. But, why does it need to be a program. Why can't I just eat normal portions and maintain my weight. It all looks so easy as I walk by others at work who are normal weight and eating real food. I just want this stage of my life to be done for good this time, but I doubt my troubles are over.

MONDAY New Number

2010-03-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

214.6 today. Lowest in 3 years and all that separates me from onederland is 14 lbs. That and will power I should say. I have a short term goal of losing this 14 lbs before June. You see, June is when my son leaves on deployment. I really want him to be proud of me and not embarrassed by the big momma he had last year at his wedding. I had to meet my future DIL at the wedding and her family. She is gorgeous and petite as well as her mother and sister. I show up as a size 26 in a black dress that I now find amazingly big. I told myself I looked ok and really, I did. But, I was fat and embarrassed by my size. I made the best of it, but I really hated the way I looked and felt. I only started losing in November so when the kids came home for Christmas, I had only lost about 25 lbs. It was only a start. When I see my son the next time, I want him to say, wow mom, you look great. He wont be home for next Christmas, but when he does return I want to be 160 or lower. A healthy BMI would be the goal. Can I do this?

Sunday Morning

2010-03-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

I am sipping my coffee and reading posts from other women trying to be winners at the losing game. I say trying, because it is trying. Last week for me was especially trying. I slipped back into my old ways. Stayed on plan during the day, but by evening, drinking wine with my friends. You see, this is what we do to cope with the work day. It makes all the difference by night. By day, not so much. I feel like shit when I do this and it doesn't seem to matter if I drink one or 3 glasses. Why do I continue when I want to lose weight? Don't we all struggle with that? Lyn Escapes wrote an excellent blog this week about asking herself why she wants to be fat. Her answers were much the same as mine. Protection, fear, not feeling worthy of thin etc. I could go on and on. We all know the answer in some fashion. The real question for me is, "when will I allow myself to have the health I need and deserve?" This week I have vowed to stop this harmful wine drinking and commit myself again to the program. Medifast has been the answer for me. It is easy and it is fast. 53 pounds in 5 months is wonderful, but I am not done. I have about 50 more to go. I can't settle for good or for good enough. Or can I?

Emptyness

2010-03-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

I feel empty today. Just empty. 216.4 which isn't bad considering I drank 2 glasses of wine yesterday. I lost out on the opportunity to lose and get to the ketosis state for a frigging glass of wine with friends. I wanted more wine than that, but it wasn't available. Why can't I just say no. I can do this so easily with food at this point. Yet, wine, and I am sunk.

March 9, 2010

2010-03-22T12:17:00.001-07:00

218 is the number today. Love it, but need to leave it behind too. I have 58 more to go and can start to taste just how good skinny feels. It is a great program and I am happy with it.

Weight 216.4

2010-03-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

Drank more wine last night and for some odd reason, still managed to lose a pound. Go figure. I put on my favorite pea coat. It's the one my husband bought me 5 years ago that I couldn't wear for the past few years because my ass was so big. Now, it fits me perfectly. I feel as though I am sabataging myself with the wine. I keep pushing the envelope here. It feels so good to have this weight lifted from my body, but it almost feels naked. Does that make any sense?

Bethany

2010-03-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

I didn't know Bethany, but I know her story. She passed from a heart attack, leaving behind her two children and husband. She left more than that, though. She left testimony to the legacy of overweight people and their fight for good health. It isn't just about losing weight, its about fighting for your life. I share Bethany's struggle. She lost and obesity won. How sad is that? I don't want that to be my story. What about your story? Funny thing, we could really justify ourselves on this. She wasn't that terribly over the morbid obesity line? 303? What about the biggest losers at over 500? Seems that Bethany was working really hard to make that change and ran out of time. I know I can't be that person who runs out of time. What a great loss in so many ways.

When Will I Learn

2010-03-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

So, here I go again with the, "when will I learn" crap. But seriously, when? Last evening met two friends for dinner. Was happy (well, not really) drinking tea and then came the urge to have a glass of wine. Maybe only one glass, right? I know me better than that, yet I ordered one glass and drank this slowly. It tasted good, so I had another. Dinner was over and I drove home. On the way home, I thought, "what the hell, I might as well have some more cuz I have already blown it." So, I did. Today's weight -217.2. Ok, so I did lose back what I had gained, but still. What the hell?

Holding Back the Tears

2010-03-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

Weight today 219. Sucks, but down -2 from yesterday. The weekend was full of gastronimical delight and plenty of wine. Went to Eugene for the weekend and we ate out two nights in a row. Beppe and Gianis and Soriah. Both were exceptional. At Beppe's I had pork shoulder in a tomato sauce with risotto. I left half of the dinner behind in an attempt to eat more reasonably. The cesar salad was to die for and I ate all of that. Did not have bread. At Soriah's I had rib eye steak with mash and again, cesar salad, no bread. I didn't eat all the steak and was careful to cut out the fat. The sauce on the steak was divine goganzola. I really worked hard not to eat poorly at the home show and did find a salad to eat. What worked: me being careful. What didn't: me eating chips before bed. Ok. So, I have progressed and for that I need to acknowledge myself. I still need to control the wine consumption. So, Sunday we go out and eat at Pastini. I have the meatballs sans cheese and a cesar salad. I think I see a trend here. Flash forward to Monday morning. Headache from wine and weight is 221. Now, I am holding back the tears. It is just so hard to see the weight go up and I keep sabotaging myself. By the way, I also took a walk with Bella, my border collie of about a mile and one half. Didn't my body recognize my ill attempts at control? Guess not.

March 12, 2010

2010-03-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

New day, new loss. Down to 216.6. Really? Can it be true? I can barely contain myself as I approach the 200 mark. I am ashamed to say that-200? Really? Seriously? What the hell was I thinking as I let myself get so fat? 270? How and why did that happen? I need to figure that part out or I feel destined to repeat this cycle again. I am not sure I can deal with that. In fact, pretty sure this needs to be the one last time for this. I do know that I need to pay attention to what I am consuming for the rest of my life. Question is, will I?